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It all began with one big misunderstanding, and it just sort of kept going that way. I ask, was I really to blame? Everyone on earth thinks so. Hell, everyone in heaven thinks so as well. Except for a few, ok Mom is still a trifle annoyed by the whole thing and I can’t say I blame her. It’s just that Dad thinks he’s so… so… perfect. And his intolerance for people questioning His perfection is, I feel, a touch extreme at times. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my Father as much as I can (based on the situation), but I do think that overall he has done a lot of good in his life. I do admit that there has been more than one occasion that I’ve questioned his divine intervention or holy influence. That’s what usually starts the problems. I suppose I should have learned to pull Him aside to talk to him about my disagreements instead of bringing them up in front of a whole host of his angels, followers, friends, family…whoever happens to be there at the time. But just for the record, He had nothing to do with the Inquisition.

Oh, I’m sorry, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Roy, but I’m commonly known throughout the world as the Devil, Satan, the “Prince of Darkness”, Beelzebub, Belial, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, and a whole slue of other very colorful names that mean evil, bad, wicked, and nasty little things like that. But actually, it’s just Roy. Sadly, some nicknames are just impossible to get rid of no matter how long you’ve been around.

I believe a majority of you refer to my father as God, the Holy Father, Father in Heaven, JC’s big daddy, or something to that effect. You know it can get really confusing when you’re little and everyone has all these different names that they keep calling your father. It was a lot easier when before the earth came along, everyone would just call him Dad, Pops, Father, Oh Great One, or Eugene, but only when the other gods would come over to visit.

Heaven is just a distant memory now, but I do get a bit nostalgic about it every four to five hundred years. One of my favorite things about heaven was watching the transfer of power to true power. This consisted of those moments when Dad was out creating one of his countless worlds and Mom would yell at Him that it was time for dinner. He would always want to do one more separation of heaven and earth or, creating light and darkness, or call back, “Fifteen more minutes sweetie, I’m almost done with the mammals.” Mom would yell back in a slightly sterner voice, “Eugene.” and when He’d turn to look at Her, She’d give Him the “Right now!” look. He always stopped dead in His tracks, regardless what He was doing. I’m not sure why, but I loved that. Maybe it was the simple lesson that although Pops was all-powerful, there was something else that could change all that power into some bloke with puppy dog eyes at a moments notice. Mom was one force that Pops did not want to even attempt reckoning with.

When I got kicked out, well initially I wasn’t kicked out, but when I was finally booted, Dad had to sleep on the couch for about a year and a half, and in God time, damn, that’s forever. What got Him off the couch you may ask, He finally agreed to letting me write Mom once a week to let Her know how I’m doing and that I’m getting enough to eat. God bless Her, and He does.

You may be wondering to yourselves, why Roy? I asked the Big Man that very question one day, and He told me that it stemmed way back. See up to the age of five Dad was next-door neighbors with the Mmmmm family. Yes, that sort of humming sound you make when you eat something really good that isn’t actually a hum, it’s an mmmmm. Dad said it sounds a little strange, but once you met the family you couldn’t help but go “Mmmmm.” It’s just the kind of family they were.

Anyway, they had this boy around the same age as Pops and his name was Roy. He and my Dad were best friends up till the age of five, when the Mmmmm family moved away. Dad never forgot his first best friend, and when I came along I was dubbed Roy in memory of his first best friend. They, Mom and Dad, were hoping that I’d be Jesus’ first best friend, which wasn’t really his name either. I’m not sure why, but humans seem quite proficient in altering language to their whims instead of sticking to the core meaning of the word. Not to mention you keep messing up everybody’s name. I mean just look at all of the random names that people have given me, or God, or Jesus.

The only name you really haven’t screwed up was Holy Ghost’s. Yeah, that is his real name. The Ghost’s moved in shortly after the Mmmmm’s moved out and their son who was just a year younger than Dad was named Holy. He and Dad have been best friends since the age of five and four, which is pretty amazing if you ask me. I guess the only thing that you’ve changed was the prefix ‘The’ being added to Holy Ghost. I always thought it was to differentiate between The Holy Ghost who was Dad’s best friend and all the other Holy Ghost’s out there, but who really knows for sure.

Dad does still keep in touch with Roy from time to time. He’ll call every once in a while to tell about newly created sections of the universe. Dad loves hearing about new things in the universe and how it keeps growing and expanding. Which brings up an interesting point, does Dad or in your case God know everything? Honestly, no. And this is not to try to bad mouth the Man, he does know a lot. Well, let’s say he knows quite a bit, er… some, yes, he does know some things. My point is that if everything is expanding and growing at an infinite rate to an infinite size, then how is it possible to know everything even for an infinite mind? He might be able to store all that information, but when dealing with infinites, they all have their own agenda and time frame. Infinite expansion of the cosmos is not instantaneously learned, there is always a learning curve, always. Besides, the universe is not a monopoly. No one thing has full control or ownership of universe. I find it rather comforting really, knowing that everyone has the option to never be stagnant, that we’ll always have the choice to learn and grow, because if you think about, isn’t the search and learning, part of the ongoing happiness. It’s something that always made Dad smile, and I never considered Dad smiling to be bad thing.

So why am I coming out now, after all these years. Well, it’s been around 2000 years since the little incident with Carl, my brother, er… Jesus I guess is what you call him. Don’t worry, he still loves everyone, I’m not exactly sure how he does that, but I think he gets it from being such a momma’s boy.

Anyway, it seems that a new millennium is as good a time as any to try new things and start new projects. So I decided to finally quit talking about it and just do it. I’ve wanted to retire for a while now, but before I do I think its time the truth be told. Once the truth has been shared, I can quit this job with a clear conscience. Besides my therapist said I should work out some of my “Satan labeled issues” on paper, so I’m going to share the bible with you from my point of view… what really happened. So enjoy, this is my story.

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