Noah, throughout this initial experience had failed to mention to his wife Charlotte that he was on a first name basis with the Supreme Creator, and that this chap had suggested that he put three mortgages on the house so he could build a boat in the middle of the desert that was three times the size of their house. The reason he didn’t tell her was not entirely his fault either. He knew this was going to be a problem and wasn’t sure what to do about it. Once he decided to act, he managed to make two key mistakes. First, he did the only thing he could think of and he asked the old guy what he should do.
Now asking God for advice on women is like asking the pope for advice on birth control, it’s something they can both talk about, but something that neither has a clue as to what they are saying about the subject. So Dad offered the first bit of advice He could think of, He told Noah not to say anything. “Does she really need to know?” was the first thing that came out of His mouth. He then proceeded to explain; “Now I don’t want you to lie to her if she asks, but if she doesn’t ask there’s really no need tell her. That way when the rain starts you can show her the boat and she will be pleased with your preparedness and be very proud of you.”
The second mistake Noah made was that he actually took the old mans. When there’s a big ass boat being built in the empty lot next to your house and the guy in charge of building the boat keeps talking to your husband about the specs, some questions are going to get asked. And when you get a bank notice scheduling the payments on three additional mortgages on your home, well, hell fire and damnation is a fun park compared to what is going to be inflicted upon you.
On the day that the supplies arrived, Noah was looking at the invoice to confirm that everything had arrived when he heard a scream come from the house next door. When he realized that it was his house that the scream came from, he started over to see what was happening. He was met at the front door by his wife with a bank statement in one hand and a frying pan in the other. Noah when with the first and only thing that came to mind, he fled the scene, and hid in a cave.
See, the bible never discusses the countless times that the old man put a perfectly happy relationship into turmoil and distress, and almost divorce. All because He expects everyone He personally talks to drop their entire life and do everything that He asks them too. Noah started by writing letters to Charlotte to explain the whole thing, and she sent replies that she was meeting with lawyers and if he didn’t quit smoking those damn weeds he kept bringing home from his nature walks and tell her what was really going on, he’d better never come home.
Through Noah’s perseverance and lack of creativity to do anything other than tell the truth, his wife, after the 30th letter in two days realized that there might be something to what he was saying. So she sent him an ultimatum, either she meets this God person or she and the kids are gone, and she’d make sure the lawyers got the boat too. In this bind Noah agreed to her terms and went looking for that troublemaker that referred to himself as God. The problem with looking for God is that you can never find him when you need him. I think it’s because He knows what you’re thinking and only wants to deal with humans when it’s convenient for Him, or when He wants something. After three days of looking and with no results, Noah told the misses about the set back. Truth be told, Pops probably would have never shown up if it hadn’t been for Charlotte stopping the construction on the boat.
Once Pops learned that Noah had fallen behind schedule He headed to earth to do a little more threatening to motivate Noah again. Pops found Noah laying on his favorite rock, taking a short nap. When the old man saw his servant sleeping on the job He started yelling Noah’s name in the tone of a parent getting ready to cuss out their kid. Noah opened his eyes and saw God standing there and before he could even think about what he was going to say, it just slipped out, “It’s about damn time.”
“What?”
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been praying out here for about a week and a half trying to get you to show up due to a few problems I’m having with this whole boat building thing.”
Noah’s annoyed demeanor had thrown Pops off his game, so the threat He was planning on giving had lost most of its luster. Instead He just listened quietly about this situation Noah was in with his wife. After Noah finished Pops actually had the audacity to act surprised. Noah did explain to Pops that Charlotte was going to take him to court and he would loose the boat unless she got to personally talk God so He explain things to her. Pops attempted to side step Noah’s problem and tried to instill fear back into Noah to get back to work using the threat technique ending with, “Get back to building my boat or else.”
But it had no power over Noah this time. See the reality is, and it has always been this way, no matter how often God tries to get people to do His will, men have always been more afraid of their wives than they have ever been of God, and with God’s new attempt at threatening Noah, he had had enough.
“Or else what? Huh? My wife has already taken the house, the kids, my cooked meal privileges, and has stopped anyone in coming within 100 feet of your boat. She’s in the process of putting a case together against me where I come across as insane, because I talk to GOD and he told me to put three more mortgages on my house so I could build some huge ass boat in the middle of the desert. By proving I’m nuts she won’t have to pay off the mortgages, instead I will while I work off my debt in prison, and your so damned important boat rots in the sun! No, you listen to me, my life has been nothing but hell since you entered my life and quite frankly I wish you would have never talked to me in the first place. And I’m not sure if your all knowing ass realizes this or not but to reiterate on one point, but if she doesn’t meet and talk to you about this I go to JAIL! And I can’t bloody well build your ship in there can I? Now you be here tomorrow by 2:15 in the afternoon or your whole killing the world schedule is going to be dramatically delayed! You BE here tomorrow.” and Noah stormed off
The old man was speechless. It was the first time in history that one of Pops little creations snapped at Him and He didn’t kill them for it. You know what though? It worked. The next afternoon at 2:15 when Noah and Charlotte got to the top of the hill, there He was, waiting for them with a bottle of wine and some flowers as a peace offering. It was a good effort, but as he came to discover very quickly in the conversation, it was a little late for that.
The interesting thing about God arguing with a woman is that even though He’s mostly all powerful, the women are not all that impressed by that and will wait all day until He explains Himself. It’s odd, because every time my old man told some bloke to do His will, off they went was no questions asked, but when it came to women, they always wanted to know the specifics and demanded a written schedule and check list. Plus they always became immensely annoyed when the plan would change; especially by a man who was suppose to be all knowing. It’s because of this dad preferred to work with men more often than women, so including Noah’s wife in with the Ark building plan was not only unexpected but something He did not want to deal with.
God handed the flowers and wine to Charlotte who passed them directly to Noah lifted her left hand, fist clenched and shot out her index finger pointing at the old man, “I don’t know who you are, but what the hell have you been smoking with my husband and why does he keep calling you God?”
Dad looked around nervously trying to figure out what to say. When Pops finally opened His mouth to talk Charlotte cut him off, “And if you don’t explain that damn boat and why my house has three mortgages right now, so help my GOD you are going to get slapped!” And with that Noah dropped the flowers, opened the bottle of wine and poured himself a drink.
“Well, let me begin by introducing myself, I am… God, the creator of this world.”
Charlotte raised her hand, open palm, ready to swing, and demanded, “Try again!”
Noah, on the other hand, let out a slight laugh, the idea of his wife slapping God with Gods help struck him as a little funny. The glare from both his wife and his God ceased any humor Noah saw in the situation and receded back into his glass of wine.
Charlotte returned her glare back to God, who realized at that point that if He didn’t prove His divinity soon He was going to get smacked, and quite roughly at that. He started to explain, “Ma’am, if you would please sit down for a moment and I will explain this situation to you and who I am.” It was the “who I am” statement that seemed to remind the old fella of His divinity and restore his control of this situation, and ignite His angry pride. Pops became a little annoyed that He had let one of His creations talk to Him that way.
When Charlotte snapped, “You don’t tell me what to do. You answer my questions.”
God Raised His voice, and in an overly dramatic array of events, clouded the sky, caused lightning to strike a near by tree and called multitude of angels to His side and proclaimed, “I am the LORD, you God!” I mean sure it shut her up, but don’t you think it was a little excessive?
Charlotte, mouth wide open, sat down next to Noah and a half empty bottle of wine, took the glass from Noah and began to swallow. Noah, use to Gods special effects and a little overly relaxed from the wine, smirked satisfyingly and said, “See, I told you so.”
Charlotte handed the empty glass to Noah and politely retorted, “Top me off would you please?”
God then began to explain His brilliant plan of starting over and how blessed Noah and she were to be the chosen ones to fulfill His plan to create a more perfect world. I mean let’s face it, when it comes to kissing ass the old man is an artist in every sense of the term. When He started explaining that one of the main reasons God picked Noah was because of his graceful and beautiful wife, who knew the importance of doing the right thing and how she clearly passed that brilliant insight onto her children. And that’s all it took, Charlotte started to soften up. He then sealed the deal by telling her that she would be the mother of the truly righteous and chosen people of God.
Name one woman that is not going to agree to help God with that size of a smooch on the ass. And as the old mans silver tongue caused Charlotte’s vision to glaze over, Noah was on the sidelines getting hazy and saucy as he finshed off what he was always refer to as a mighty fine red wine. After witnessing this whole meeting, Noah smilingly slurred, “It seems that my truth serum is empty and I am full, very, very, very, very full of truth and all I have is one question before I’m asked to shut up. May I ask my question?”
The misses shushed him, but the old man concurred and Noah went on, “If you are saying that your chosen people are going to be the offspring of us, what quality of people are you after? Seriously? This beautiful, graceful teacher of good came up here to kick your ass remember? Geez! And I get yelled at for poor short term memory.”
“NOAH! Shut up and don’t you dare talk to God that way!”
“Thank you Charlotte, but it’s quite alright, the young man has been carrying a heavy load all by himself for a while.”
In hearing the old mans response I knew something was up, He never reacts to being told He is making a mistake so smoothly unless He is after something.
“You know I’m glad we were able to have this little chat Charlotte and now that you understand who your husband is helping and the importance of his work I take it he now has your support and even help in getting things back on track so that we can have the ship ready to sail the end of next month. That is when the storm is scheduled for… you know.”
I knew it. If there is one thing you can count on in life it’s the predictability of God.
“Oh of course Lord, commencement of the boats construction will begin tomorrow morning. Thank you so much for meeting with me and explaining this whole thing to me. Thank you again. Oh there is so much to do. Noah, come on God is very busy and we have to help him out.”
And with this she pulled up the now amply soused Noah off the dirt floor of the mountain, which he was now finding very comfortable and lead the swaying Noah home. “Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day” though Noah, “and now that Charlotte is on Gods side, things are only going to get worse.”
I did think Noah concern for he and his wife being the new Adam and Eve to repopulate Gods people was a very valid concern. I mean, you have a mother of the people whose initial reaction to her husbands claim that he was helping God build to save humankind was the utter lack of faith. She had to meet God to actually believe. Not to mention that it first impulse upon meeting the Almighty was to kick is holy ass. Then on top of that the all knowing Creator actually had the audacity to think that simply kissing a woman’s ass would make things all better… FOREVER! Let’s face it, sometimes that God fellow just isn’t all that bright.
