I guess you could say that being who I am does have a few advantages that don’t pertain to a commoner on earth, and I have no problem admitting that. Mike and I had kept in pretty good contact ever since he helped me out in that whole “Great Discussion” conflict that got me and the gang kicked out of heaven. Mike was the one who got me out of the old man’s sight before Pop’s could lose it and started beating the hell out of me. So I called Mike up and we chatted about what was going on in the old man department. Apparently the godly club was in a practical joke movement. Practical joke/insulting mischievousness that is. The gods called it joking around, so when they deliberately hurt the feelings of another god, they could say it was a joke. This was to avoid getting punched in the nose. The problem with this “insult war” is that the gods decided to start using their followers as tools to help with their insults to the other gods. I’m not sure why, but Ra and Pops always had this intense competition between them. Maybe it was because their followers were in a close geographical location, maybe it was because they both dated the same girl in high school at the same time, or maybe it was because they has similar personalities both egotistical and had to be the center of attention and when they got together this did nothing but clash, what ever the reason, it is clear to see this rivalry existed on earth as well between Pop’s followers and Ra’s followers. With the insults going back and forth, Pop’s decided to take it to a new level, but He needed some help and this was His motivation for actually starting to talk to Abram.
Abram and Saria ended up settling with Saria’s relatives near the land of Egypt. When the relatives saw how religious Abram was, they decided to make him the token religious guy of the community. Abram thought it an honor, but the relatives really did it so they could blame someone if something bad happened. Since the drought season would be starting soon, they knew that they could demand that Abram take responsibility to get them free food. With the new crops and livestock Abram brought with him the drought season would have been no problem as long as everyone kept working with what they had. The problem was that when his relatives saw his surplus they stopped worrying about working as hard, and let about half their crops burn in the sun while they drank in the shade. That along with the drought season lasted longer than usual led to 90% of Abrams surplus being used up once about 2/3rds through the drought season. People started to realize that starving to death might actually turn into a reality, and like a lot of earthlings in general, people don’t like to own up to things that they had done or decisions they had made that turned out to be lacking in all areas. Instead they did what commonly happens, they blamed someone else. Since Abram was the holy man of the community, it was obviously his fault they were not prepared for the extend drought. A man of god should have been warned by God of what was going to happen and it, because he didn’t he was the one doing something wrong and it was now his responsibility to get them more food before they started starving.
Abram was the type of chap that was always praying about something. He had to pray about every decision he needed to make. Now, due to the fact that he was now responsible for an entire community, who would be starving soon, his prayers to the big man did not stop. He would break from prayer so he could pray to bless his food though. With all this constant praying, Pops decided that Abram was the kind of person that would pretty much do whatever He asked without questioning Him, and He was right. Pop’s noticed how close Abram was to Egypt and knew that Abe was the perfect patsy for His new “joke/insult” to Ra. He was a little surprised that Abram was already expecting God to show up and talk to him since they had talked before. He put Abram on hold while he checked with His secretary to get the back story. Once caught up, He knew things would go just fine, especially since He had moved there based on what a human, pretending to be Him, had told Abram to do. So later that afternoon, while Abram was kneeling in is home in deep prayer Pops showed up.
“Abram.” started Pops.
“Yes…who’s there?”
“It is I, Po…the Lord thy god.”
“Lord! Thank god! You have finally heard my cries. Thank you. Praise, um, you. I need your help Lord.” began Abram.
“I know your situation Abram and I am here to guide you.”
“Yes. Please. What would you have me do Lord.”
Pops began unfold His plan to Abram, “You are very close to Egypt Abram. I think it would be wise for you and your wife to go into the land of Egypt and get conference with the pharaoh. Ask him for some food from his storehouses. I shall fill you with my power and from that you will be able to get food for your people, but you will also get the opportunity to share my gospel with a whole nation.”
Abram had no choice but to say he thought it was a brilliant plan. That’s the problem with the blindly devout, no matter how bad a plan truly is when it is presented to you by your deity all common sense and deductive observation disappears and only redundant babbling occurs stating that what was just told to them was the most brilliant and righteous thing they have ever heard.
Pops then reminded Abram, “Remember you must to take your wife Saria with you to the pharaoh.”
Abram eagerly agreed, and with that Pops left. The next morning Abram proclaimed his conversation with God to the people and told them God’s plan for Abram to save the people. As he began to recap some the plan a number of concerns began to form in Abram mind. The main problem was the Egyptians. They were a one of your typical male oppressive societies. The men, mainly the men in power, were renown for their very healthy, well, libido, and because of this, Abram feared for both his and Saria’s safety.
The Egyptian men where use to the visual aesthetics of Egyptian women, but with a woman of a new origin and appearance, like Saria, entering the land would result in wide spread attention and fascination towards her. Now add Saria’s constant devotion to making herself look nice, Abram began to think that this plan might result in a rather negative out come for him. The driving force of concern was based on the marriage laws in Egypt.
Of all the god’s I’ve ever met, which is a very healthy sum, one stereo-type that holds true with deity is vanity. Vanity in what they create and vanity in say. All gods’ hate to be contradicted or proven wrong due to something they have commanded or said and nothing makes other gods happier than seeing another god struggle with their followers because they disagree with the commandments given to them. This self indulgent way of making one happy from the struggles of others was the core motivation the gods had for starting the “joke/insult war”. The universal outcome that all the gods wanted was to be able to point and laugh at another god because they said something that their followers disagreed with, or made a commandment that would not be followed by their followers. Ra’s word was the law for his people and his pharaoh was the conduit for relaying that law to his people. Ra did play favorites, most gods do, and his favorite was always his pharaoh. When his would get too old or was about to die, or if a new bloke caught Ra’s fancy the role of pharaoh was altered as Ra felt was necessary. So in Pops plan to play a joke on Ra, He needed to get to Ra’s favorite, and this is why Abram was commanded to take Saria with him.
The Egyptians had a law concerning marriage. It is interesting to me that most patriarchal societies have this need to authorize men to have as many wives as wanted. I mean, when it comes to the growth of a race of people then yes the goal is to get as many women pregnant as possible. It’s the obvious process for keeping a culture alive. The gods don’t really care either because it just means more followers for them. Egypt shared in this practice. The men could have as many wives as they wanted, but a woman was only allowed to have one husband. So when a rich and powerful man saw a woman he wanted and she was not married, he would offer some of his wealth to the girl’s father and take her as a wife. The problem that would arise was if the woman was already taken. At that point conniving treachery ensued, and at some point one of two things would happen, either the man had a strong social standing and the admirer of the wife would move on, or the husband would mysteriously disappear or be found dead by “a freak accident” even if there was a sword found in the man. At that point it was no longer against the word of Ra to take the widow for a wife.
All of this was explained to Abram after his big announcement. So Abram felt it important to have one more time conversation with God before he headed into the land of Egypt. Abram started asking God about His plan and why he needed to take Saria. It was on third day of not leaving that Pops showed up all huffy about why Abram had not left yet.
“Umm…Lord…Master? I need to talk to you a minute about this whole traveling into Egypt with my wife thing. I’m not sure, that is to say, I think…I know it is thy will and all, but I am concerned that it may not be the safest course of action for Saria and m…”
“You dare to question your all knowing God and Creator?”
“Er… no it’s just…”
“After all I have given you? You insolent child!”
Since Abram had no idea what insolent meant he was not as shaken as Pop’s was hoping for, “Ok…well no then, I guess. It’s just that, well, you know, the Egyptians have this tendency to kill poor men for the purpose of taking and marrying their wives, and, if you haven’t noticed my wife is really hot. When the Egyptian men are told that she is my wife, I’m as good as dead.”
“Don’t you have faith in me Abram?”
“God knows I do, it’s just I don’t have any faith in the Egyptians.”
“Do you not know that I know all? I am the seerer of all things. Do you not believe in God’s infinite power?”
“I suppose so.”
“WHAT?”
“Yes, I mean yes Lord, of course I do.”
“Here’s the thing Abe, Saria needs to be the one to ask for the food when you get to the pharaoh. Being the all-knowing sort that you know I am, I know that the pharaoh’s weakness is for attractive women. The pharaoh will be so intoxicated by her beauty that he will gladly fill any requests she asks. This way you will be able to get more than enough food to get you though this drought.”
“Ok, I guess that makes sense. But there’s a good chance that we might not even make it to the pharaoh I might get dead and Saria might get forced to take a new Egyptian husband along the way.”
“Ok, ok, if you‘re so worried about your own well being, tell everyone you run into that Saria is your sister and not your wife, and if any Egyptians attempt any funny stuff, simply tell them that she is promised to the pharaoh. Ok. Oh, and tell them that he is expecting her. That should hinder all motivation to take her away from you.”
I found it interesting that Pops solution to His prophet’s concern constituted the Lord instructing him to tell a lie…or story…or to do something that most would consider as dishonest.
“Ohhh…clever! Good plan Lord. Thank you. Thank you Lord.”
This seemed to relieve Abrams initial concern, because no one was going to attempt anything if he was escorting the pharaohs promised bride to be. But then he started thinking of how they were supposed to get back home, “Um…Lord? O Lord? Hey! Got another question here?”
“Huh? What? Oh, look I’ve got another call, get to Egypt and I’ll talk to you when you get there. So…ok, so I’m going now. If you continue talking no one will be here to answer you, and you’ll look like an idiot, so, bye. Seriously, stop talking to me, we’re done now.” And Pops was gone. Pops didn’t want to deal with Abram’s question, and by saying that He’d be talking to Abram later, He knew Abram would rely on that trust. Abram and Saria would be embarking into Egypt by the end of the week, and if things went right, He really wouldn’t have to deal with Abrams question at all. Pops was hoping the pharaoh would take care of that question for Him.
The most difficult task Abram had before heading into Egypt was explaining to Saria what was going on and to convince her play the roll of his sister. As it turned out, the most difficult part was Abram getting up the nerve to tell her that God told him. Upon telling her he was surprised and readily she agreed to the plan without any objections or emotional insults directed at Abram. Saria knew about the reputation of the Egyptians. She was not very keen on the prospect of seeing here husband killed, but was even more against the afterwards, which would result in her getting ravaged relentlessly by some ill mannered slob that would not even have the common courteously to ensure she was comfortable during the process. Besides, the idea of having the male portion of Egyptian nation drool, stare, and lust after her beauty was the type of thing she felt she could endure the rest of her life.
Pops had plans for the pharaoh to become the catalyst for the joke He wanted to play on Ra. Pops knew that by having Abram tell any Egyptians he encountered that Saria was promised to the pharaoh that Abram would be sure to be directed right to the front door of pharaoh, and that exactly where Abram ended up. After arriving at the front of the palace, Abram spent some time pondering how easy it had been to actually end up there and in pretty good time as well. When the first Egyptian man saw Saria and approached Abram about her, he was told the God-instructed-lie that Saria was his sister and promised to the pharaoh. This statement was what paved the way to the front door. See, if the pharaoh, for some befuddled reason decided not to take Saria as his next wife, then the pharaoh would either give her to whichever wealthy Egyptian was in the pharaoh’s grace, or, and most likely, Saria would be pawned off to the highest bidder. The slew of wealthy Egyptians knew this and accompanied Abram and Saria to make sure she got there unspoiled. They did this because even if the pharaoh took her as his wife he would probably reward those who made sure she arrived to him safely.
The real reason Pops wanted Saria to go was based on the motivation Ra set up to ensure the people followed this commandment. Ra had created a sort of STD type curse that happened before sex could take place and only infected the man. The curse was a genital outbreak on any man that broke Ra’s specific “you can’t marry a married woman” law, which left them coitus free for six months and left them sterile.
The idea of a sterile pharaoh was Pops key motivation. Ra favorite getting cursed and becoming devoid of offspring was the joke that Pops wanted to play on Ra. The plan started when Pops learned that instead of a world wide roster to check curse eligibility only a database of all the Egyptians was used. Because Saria was not an Egyptian, she was not in the database and therefore was the perfect puppet in Pops plan.
There was a small prep room in the pharaoh’s palace where Abram was desperately trying to get a hold of the big guy. His concerns about how they were supposed to get home had only seemed to worsen the longer they were in Egypt. Saria was getting bathed and outfitted for the special negotiations where she assumed that she would be pleading her cast to the pharaoh to get food for her and her relatives. It was only after Abram threatened to bail on the whole plan and declare that his sister was actually his wife that the old man showed up, for about one minute. He told Abram to continue with the charade. Pops told Abram the pharaoh would turn Saria down, needing to keep his bloodline pure, but in gratitude to them for offering Saria to be a new bride, the pharaoh would reward them with the food they needed for their people. So being the good follower he was Abram trusted everything Pops told him. Before presenting Saria to the pharaoh, Abram told her to continue to play the role of his sister and told her what the Lord had taken care of the rest.
When Saria was presented to the pharaoh, not only was the drool apparent, but the pharaoh insisted that a pillow be placed on his lap, so he could…have something soft to place his hands on. The pharaoh thanked Abram for delivering his sister to him. Saria then explain the situation of her people and requested the food and supplies they needed. The pharaoh conceded to her request and sent Abram out with some servants to go to the storehouses and fill their cart with as much food as it could hold. Abram was so gracious that he did not notice, Ra summoning for his clergy at the same time. As Abram was leaving the room he realized he was leaving something behind, “Pharaoh, um…my sister…”
“She will stay here as you go and collect the supplies for your people.”
“Thank you, thank you ever so much.” And with that, Abram headed to the pharaoh’s storehouse.
It wasn’t until after he had returned to collect Saria and begin the trek home that he noticed something was amiss. He wasn’t too concerned when he entered the palace and heard the music and cheering, but when the pharaoh greeted him at the door, hugged him, called him brother, and left with Saria, Abram was sure that things did not go according to plan. The shock that Gods plan failed left Abram dumbfounded. He grabbed a goblet of wine sat down in a corner and kept going over what God had told him concerning the whole Egypt scenario. He tried to figure out if maybe he had done something wrong, which has made everything go wrong. One thing was certain though he was not leaving until that God fellow showed up and explained a few things.
When entering the pharaoh’s bed chamber, Saria realized that maybe she should not have agreed to the marriage. She did do as her husband had instructed her. She played the roll of the sister. The mass of jewels her received and was now wearing did cause her to think that maybe God’s will was to have her marry the pharaoh that way she could always care for her people. As the pharaoh began to disrobe, she began wondering if God had tried to tell her something during the ceremony, but she had failed to hear it. She had never heard God speak before and she had no idea what He sounded like. Maybe He told her something and she didn’t know it was Him talking. She started to grow a little nervous.
Part of the marriage ceremony resulted in Saria becoming the property of the pharaoh and hence the property of Egypt. Only after this was she entered into Ra’s Egyptian database, and this is when her background check started. The background check was completed, and the error was reported right as the pharaoh opened his robe. To his surprise he was quickly shrinking away. Saria, seeing for the first time a man’s anatomy, which was covered in the Ra’s anti-coitus wrath, let out a horrified scream. The pharaoh was now clearly aware of what he was experiencing and more than anything needed to know how it had happened to him. Saria, now sobbing, could only mutter that she wanted her husband, Abram. The pharaoh called for his guard and ordered that Abram be placed in custody along with his new deceitful wife. No one was allowed to talk to them or to give them any food or water. Their sentence would be determined only after he communed with his creator, Ra.
It took Ra a little while to get to the pharaoh since he was busy cursing at a giggling sod of a god known as Pops. Yep, Pops went out of His way to call up Ra and start laughing at him for having a failure of a Prophet. Pointing out that his favorite earthling couldn’t even keep the simplest of Ra’s commandments. Suggesting that Ra was a lesser deity than Pops was.
Pops then let it slip out why He had done this to Ra. Apparently it was because Ra was the first god to point out to Pops, in front of most of the other gods, that Adam and Eve had chosen to not follow Pops rules in the garden and ate the fruit. Ra then suggested that if he were to do it he would have certain check and balances in place that would ensure that this would never happen to him. Being called out in front of His peers infuriated Pops. Pops had never forgotten or forgiven him for that, and let’s face it forgiveness really isn’t one of Gods strong suits. Pops wanted to show Ra that sometimes rules get broken no matter what kind of checks and balances you put in place. This really didn’t elevate Pops but it did officially place Ra on Pops level once again.
