To fulfill Ra’s plan he needed a little help. Well more than a little help, he needed a devoted, faithful, independent, brilliant, cunning, vivacious, vindictive, impromptu, silver-tongued, individual would enjoyed toying with others and had a knack for consuming people and having them thank them for the consumption afterwards. Ra need the help of a female, no, he needed the help of a woman. Ra began inquiring about the females in the Pharaohs court. The surprising thing is that it didn’t take all that long to fill the position. Well, it didn’t take that long to come up with a name anyway.
“Phil*, in order to get even, make that past even, to the god of those two poor saps, I am going to need the help of a woman.”
*For some reason, Ra had called every Pharaoh he’s ever had Phil. When I eventually asked him about it, he said it was because he just really liked the way the name sounded. He included, “Besides, it’s always nice to call your number one follower a name that always makes you smile when you say it.”
“Ok.”
“And not just any woman, a very specific type of woman.”
“Ok.”
“I need a woman who is smart.”
“Ok.”
“Independent.”
“Ok.”
“Imaginative.”
“Ok.”
“Beautiful, clever, sneaky.”
“Ok.”
“Quick on her feet, gifted with words, able to get away with anything.”
“Ok.”
“A woman who is possessed with the skills of a coitus goddess and an appetite to use that skill.”
“Ahhh.”
“In all of my land, is there such a woman?”
“Oh yeah, she’s just down the street.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah…Mmmmmm…oh yes.”
“So just like that? You know a woman with all these skills?”
“And more…” answered Phil with an ever widening smile on his face.
“Is she a faithful follower? Will she do what she’s told so my revenge will come to pass?”
“Well, she’s not so much a faithful follower as she is…oh god she’s amazing! But I should have you know that everything is always on her terms. So, I imagine if you gave her the correct compensation, she’s do what she needed to make sure your revenge was enacted.”
“And who is this woman?” asked Ra.
“Hagar.”
“Hagar?”
“Yep, Hagar.”
“Just Hagar?”
“Just Hagar, that’s the way she wants it…mmmmm Hagar.” reminisced Phil. Just saying her name put the Phil into a state of euphoria. It took a little while to bring him back into a cohesive state. Ra and Phil talked a bit longer and eventually a messenger was sent to Hagar’s flat with a note reading, “Hagar, the Sun god of Egypt is in town and would very much like to meet you. If you could, would you please come to the palace at your soonest convenience, you know, if it’s not a problem. Love, Phil”
Phil explained that she had her own schedule, but she would stop by when she could. Demanding her come to the palace right away would only piss her off and would result in them waiting about two weeks for her soonest convenience to visit, with the possibility that she would not come at all. For some reason and because of Phil’s ongoing cooing and blushing at all his references about Hagar let Ra was starting to feel like a 6 year old on his first day of school, and quite frankly, he like it.
Word was given to the soldiers that no killing would be happening that day and to place the prisoners confined to a small room with some guards at door to eves drop and instill a level of constant anticipation and fear in Abram and Saria. Then, every fifteen minutes Phil would send a change of guards so they could get an update of what Abram and Saria were talking about. It was a nice way to pass the time while Ra and the Phil waited for Hagar. All the guards reported the same thing, Abram and Saria were bickering that there was no word from God and that they were going to die thanks to Him.
After two hours, seventeen minutes and 32 seconds, Hagar arrived. Her entrance into the palace was very subtle and carried with it an electric enthusiasm from everyone that saw her. I have met Hagar a number of times, well, I met her once, but I have seen her a fair number of times. Actually, it’s more like…err…I mean…you know what, never mind. The point being that having been in this woman’s company I can honestly say that her existence is a conundrum that the universe never expected, never wanted to let go, never wanted to repeat, never really minded that they could not figure out how she happened, and honestly didn’t mind in the least. The only one to ever show any amount of annoyance was Aphrodite, but after she had actually met Hagar, she never offered another negative word, grunt, sigh, or eye roll towards any reference about her, all Aphrodite would do was genuinely smile and say, “Lovely, just lovely.”
One of Hagar’s greatest powers was her…everything I guess. She was gifted with the power of subtlety. Everything about her was subtle. Even in her looks, she had a very subtle beauty about her. She wasn’t of the “difficult to speak, sweaty hands, is it obvious I’m drooling” line of beautiful, but all it took was one look at her and ten minutes after and for about a year you were smitten at the thought of her. You couldn’t help but think of her and you were always happy thinking about her. It wasn’t a sexual thing either, it’s just…it was a Hagar thing. If you got to know her, you could spend days watching her every move, you would go sleep deprived because you didn’t want to miss a single movement. And never, and I mean never, was a pass made for her or acts demanded of her, it was always on her terms and if a pass was to be made it was always Hagar who made it. It didn’t matter if she made a pass at you or not, or chose someone else, you just didn’t cared. You were happy to be near her, and to get a chance to see her and have her see you. It was the weirdest damn thing, but no one cared, and that, my friends, was Hagar. However, if you did happen to get her to make a pass at you, she was …well…hmm…you know, it appears I have gotten a little off track. Not with out good reason, but a little off the main story regardless. It’s just personally, I don’t think Hagar has ever been given her fair due and I felt that giving you a little enlightenment as to who she was and what she was, was note worthy. Not to mention very delightfully reminiscent and gratifying for me. Well that and I sort of promised her that I’d do something to help immortalize her if ever given the opportunity. She never asked me to do this, I just wanted to.
Hagar was so much more than anything Ra could have hoped for, and truth be known, more than he could handle, but Ra didn’t really care, getting even took precedence. He did, however, within the first half hour of meeting with her offer to elope with her, if she would have him. Ra seemed to have a tiny amount of trouble forming congealed thoughts into coherent sentences once Hagar has nestled in his brain. So with all the composure he could muster Ra concentrated on the floor and asked Hagar to help him get even. To paraphrase what Ra said, “Hagar, I have been greatly wronged by two puppets of an insincere god and I humbly request your help to prove to him that he cannot use others to achieve his deceitful deeds. I will grant you anything you ask if you undertake this task. It may take a while but the rewards shall be well worth it.”
What he actually said, “Hagar, you are …I…help…need your. I want to even. (Ahem) I help need your. Please. I will give you…ask your anything. Mean god …bad…lesson needs…help…you…please?”
Hagar simply smiled and said, “Ok hun, how about you tell me what happened and well see if there’s anything I can do to help out.”
It took a little while, but eventually Hagar was brought up to par with everything that Phil, Ra, Abram and Saria had gone through because of my old man. I was even able to enlighten her as to a few of the trials I had to endure due to the meanderings of my Pops. If there was one thing that always seemed annoy Hagar was the abuse of power, and she saw the entire situation as nothing but a repetitious act of that abuse. Hagar took Ra into a private room for a private consultation and so she could explain what her payment would be. Two hours later Ra returned with Hagar all that was said was Hagar had agreed to help and Ra had agreed with all her requests once the payback was completed.
The next thing that happened threw pretty much everyone who was involved in the situation for a loop, everyone except Ra and Hagar. Ra told Phil to go in and personally release Abram and Saria. Phil was told to keep his word and to let them have the food they needed for their people, and to apologize for any mistreatment they may have suffered, and then as an act of apology to give them a chest of gold and silver, and to present Hagar to Abram and Saria as a gift.
“Oh HELL No!” I protested.
Hagar smiled and said, “Roy, it’s ok, this is my idea. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”
Ra added, “I protested as well, but this is Hagar’s plan and she is in charge and has full control. It sounds a little odd but let’s please respect Hagar’s request. The sooner the revenge was bestowed, the sooner she will return to Egypt.”
“And to my reward.” added Hagar, smiling at Ra.
It was never talked about as to what Hagar’s reward would be. I did try talking to Ra about it once. All he told me is that he promised not to ever tell anyone. “Besides” he said, “she said that if I didn’t tell anyone then when she gets back, she would spend 2 full days with just me. Nothing could possibly get me to break that promise.” And that is all what was ever said on the subject. Mmm…Hagar, I told you that woman had power.
It was a few years after Hagar had completed her task that I got to spend a few hours talking with her, and she told me about her time with Abram and Saria and talked about some of her greater feats in regards to those two. She actually was able to do much more than was required of her, the little over achiever. I bring this up because a lot of what happened with Hagar and Abram and Saria I was personally not there for, but my record of these events does come from the key player in what transpired next.
When Abram and Saria were released and then presented with riches and then Hagar, they were in such a state of shock that Abram fainted twice. The reaction of the Egyptians did create the false reassurance in Abram that his God did provide a way, which he pointed out to Saria on more than one occasion for the rest of their lives. It was during this time that Lot showed up.
Lot was a sort of friend from the new settlement. He was a friend of one of Saria’s relatives and when the settlement sent Abram and Saria off to the pharaoh to get food, most never expected to see them again. Lot went along with it, ok actually he spend most of his time on the couch trying to get women to pose nude for him. He claimed to be an artist, but he really wasn’t. He just used it as an excuse to try to get women naked so he could look at them. It wasn’t until a week after Abram and Saria had left that he actually heard about what happened. Upon hearing about this he felt bad on two levels. First he felt bad because he really wanted to try to get Saria naked and thought he would never see her again thus eliminating his chances of this ever becoming a reality. Then after all his remorse, he actually took a little time to think about Abram and Saria both and about how they actually went to do something for the entire village, including him. The idea of them being in trouble, possibly even being killed to try to get him some food was something he just couldn’t understand. He felt really bad about the whole situation and it was then that he did something that would change the course of his life forever. He grabbed the few positions he had and set off after Abram and Saria to make sure they were ok. The drought was coming to an end as well, so he was hoping he could catch them before they got to the pharaoh and did something they might regret.
Yeah, so he was a little late getting there, but the fact that he actually showed up does say something about his character. When hearing Lot tell his story to Phil, Phil was moved by Lot’s change of heart and gave him some livestock, commended him on being such a good friend, and sent him away with Abram and Saria. Lot was amazed at the treatment Abram and Saria were receiving by the Egyptians and took that as his own proof that Abram was, in fact, a prophet of god. He even began to proclaim this to others, usually while in Abram’s company, which only inflated Abram’s prophet ego.
Prophet ego is the ego that fills a follower of any god who becomes the mouthpiece for that god. Eventually this ego fills the minds of these individuals with self importance and a feeling of being better than your fellow man. It is an inevitability that no human has ever been able to defeat. In short, every prophet who has ever lived or who will ever live will become a spiritual snob, and very possibly a bit of a jackass, although no one will ever admit thinking that about the mouthpiece of god, even through they actually do.
After Lot’s acceptance that Abram was a prophet, he thought about what Phil said about his character. Lot became enjoyed by the idea of being a good friend of God’s main man, and this is how Abram got his first true follower.
Hagar requested to Ra that Abram, Saria, and Lot be allowed to stay a few days so she could begin her work, and the first thing she needed was some time with Abram. Ra told Phil to make sure it happened. Phil told Abram and Saria that they had a special gift coming to town to send with them and that they needed two days for it to get there. He asked them to please stay and see the sights of the city before they left. Saria was being pampered from everyone she came in contact with, and ate up the attention. She was more than happy to stick around a few extra days. Phil asked if it would be alright if he escorted Saria around town to the shopping district while she was there. Abram thought it would be fine and Saria was more than happy to leave Abram behind while she went out conversing and shopping with some of their newly acquired wealth.
Even before Saria left, and even more so after she was gone, Abram started to catch himself staring at Hagar. When he stopped thinking about getting everything ready and the carts loaded up he would, without even thinking, find where Hagar was sitting and contently stare at her. He’d then get all flustered when she would catch him staring and would turn bright red. Hagar would stare back at Abram smiling until he looked up at her again and then look away as fast as he could. While Saria was out shopping, Hagar approached Abram and started to talk to him.
It was during this conversation that Abram discovered that at the beginning it was much more difficult to talk to Hagar than it was to talk to his god. However, as the conversation when on, Abram realized that talking to Hagar was as natural and freeing as swimming in one of the lakes near the farm back home.
“How is my lord this morning?”
“Oh, now I wouldn’t go so far as to call me your lord…I’m…um…just a man…”
“Who owns me,” smiled Hagar.
“Yeah, um yes, well, you are a very nice gift. I mean I’ve never gotten a gift like you before. I mean I got an ass for my birthday one year, and some oxen for a wedding gift, which were nice. I mean not that you’re a nice ass or nice oxen. Er, I mean, you’re much better than that. You talk too, which is good, nice…I mean of course you talk, you’re a person. I’ve never received a person as a gift before. It’s a little odd for me…So, how are you?
“Who?
“Yes, who. Well I said how, but who is good too. I mean I know you are Hagar, that’s what the pharaoh told me, but yes who, who is good. Who are you?”
“I’m very well, thank you.” Hagar was going to have fun with this one. Besides she’d never met a married virgin before. She’d never met a virgin that old either. She knew Ra’s revenge was going to be easy, she just didn’t think it was going to be that easy. “Abram, is it alright if I call you Abram?”
“If you like…I mean yes that would be nice. You have a nice sound to you. I mean you speak good, er…nice. Yes, you speak nicely…good.” This conversation was wearing out poor Abram, and it hadn’t even started yet.
“May I ask you a few questions Abram?” As she said this, she reached up and held Abrams left hand in both of hers. This had a very calming effect for Abram.
He nodded. This was because at that moment, he could not speak. He knew that if he were to try he’d only be able to squeak at her. Hagar was quite proficient in understanding squeak speech, since she experienced this phenomenon on a fairly regular basis, but she needed Abram to think he was the one in charge, so she made sure he was the one making the decisions.
“I have two handmaids in my possession, and since I am yours they are now yours as well. They are good helpers and will aid me to aid you better. Is it alright if we bring them with us?” Hagar knew that when you are outnumbered, sometimes it’s good to have some back up. Well that and she knew everyone would worry about her if she took off with Abram and company all by herself.
Abram nodded.
“I am looking forward to serve a man with such a powerful god.”
Abram smiled then nodded.
“I was wondering though, do we really need to head back to your homeland? It would seem that a prophet such as yourself and with such a powerful god would want others to know him. You could continue traveling south so that all may know the prophet of the great god.”
Abram was nodding along with everything Hagar was saying, letting her words become his thoughts.
“You did so well here. I would imagine that you would have just as good of success, if not better, in the south. It would be such a great gift to your god to teach those who do not know him about such a great god.”
Abram just kept smiling and nodding.
“I know we shall need to depart from this place soon Abram. As I prepare things for travel, where would you like us to go?” asked Hagar as she let go of Abram’s hands.
“Ahem…I have been thinking, and I think that the people do need to know about our god. I believe we shall head south, to make our way to a new home and to teach the world about my great god.”
“As you desire, I shall make the required preparations, excellent choice my lord.” said Hagar and then walked out of the room.
Abram felt good about his decision to travel south and teach about the lord. He then noticed that his hands were still out in front of him, in the position that Hagar was holding them, which struck him with a sense of loss. He realized that he missed her holding his hands.
Lot then entered the room, and Abram trying to dismiss his current feeling of loss, told Lot all about heading south and teaching the people. Lot thought it was a brilliant idea. Abram was a little concerned, not sure how Saria might take it, but when she showed up with Hagar beside her, she said, “Brilliant plan honey, just brilliant. When do we leave?” and gave him a kiss on the cheek. All things were in order. The payback had begun.
There was much remorse in Egypt on the day Abram left. All the people were going to miss their Hagar. Abram’s developing ego is caused him to think that all the people crying and waving good bye because he and Gods power were leaving their presence. After they had left the city limits Phil addressed the people and decreed that day a national day of mourning. The people were still sad, but all agreed that it was appropriate. He then told them, “Every year on this day, starting today, the people are not allowed to work. Instead we must eat, drink, and remember our Hagar.”
The people started to nod in agreement.
“And,” Phil added, “in celebration of the first Hagar Day, the drink are on the house!”
The people began to cheer. It wasn’t going to be that bad of a day after all.
Ra and I drank for three days strait to try to convince ourselves that letting her go with Abram was worth the getting even the old man. After the third day of wine, we were pretty sure it would be worth it.
