Mom has plenty of things she does to keep busy, and when she goes on holiday with her friends, or on an extended business trip, or both, she really only has two expectations when she gets home. The first is that the dishes are clean and put away. Second is that the house is picked up. Since Pops had already made a mess of the place before He left and was already gone when Mom left, He did not get her note stating when she would getting back home. When she did get home, things were not up to her expectation.
So when Hagar made her request to me Pops was already back home. Getting a hold of Him was still a bit difficult because He was too busy cleaning every inch of the house and repainting all the walls to make amends for His failure to meet with Moms expectations. Note that painting the walls did not need to be done at all, but Mom made Him do it anyway mainly because she knew how much He hated painting. By the time He was done, He was so frazzled that He need a break from the house, so He went to check on the Earth, forgetting completely about Abram, Saria, His covenants to them, and His little plan that abandoned them in Egypt.
I was in the process of heading out to get a hold of some of my contacts to get them to see if they could round up Pops when Abram saw me, recognized me, and felt compelled to get all chatty, “Roy! Oh my goodness…what are you doing here?” Abram started off sincere, he seemed genuinely excited to see the old neighbor that helped him at the Pharaohs palace, but half way through the sentence his tone changed. It almost seemed that he recalled that he didn’t like me much and decided that being saved at the palace was all the Lords doing, which had nothing to do with me. He also got this worried look in his eyes as if he were afraid that I might tell the people bad stories about him once I got back home.
“Oh…um, hey Edmond, how are you?” I said.
“You kidder, you know my name is Abram.”
“I sure do.” I knew his real name too, and Abram hated that about me so did his best to stay clear of me. Once he turned to following god though, he felt a bit more compelled to smile and wave, but would always refrain from talking to me unless it was to preach to and inevitably damn me.
“What are you doing here?” asked Abram.
“Actually, I was just passing through to, um… on my way to …south I guess.”
“So you don’t still live by the farm anymore?”
“Well the house is still there but I’m not.” I said. Hearing that I was no longer living across the street from the family farm seemed to put him at ease some.
“And how was everyone when you left?”
“Sinning, as usual.” I smiled.
“Maybe I should head back up there then; I’m a prophet of the lord you know.” Abram retorted, smiling back.
“Oh yeah? Does it pay well?”
“I don’t do it for the money Roy, I do it because I was called of God.”
“So what does He call you?”
At this point in the conversation that the ground began to shake, and the skies became very dark and angry.
“ROY XAIVER! What are you doing here?” yelled Pops.
“Ahhhh shit…Really?! After years you decided to start a conversation with me by bellowing my middle name to all residence in a 30 mile radius. A stupid, stupid middle name might I add.” I yelled back. I didn’t mean to, but come on it had been decades since we last spoke and He starts a conversation with me by sneaking up on me and yelling. So yeah, I was a bit on the defensive when I started talking back to him.
“What are you doing here?” He demanded, but in a slightly lower tone.
“Well, you see…um…Hey Hagar, I found him.” I called out, but she didn’t hear me, the thundering was too loud. It didn’t really matter though she knew what was going on.She also knew about the temper of my old man, so she grabbed Carol and the child and the three of them headed away from the camp, you know, just in case.
“I’m still waiting.” insisted Pops.
Abram gave me an odd little look. He was still processing that the Lord had just shown up. Sadly, all he could come up with was, “Your middle name is Xavier?”
“Roy, what are you doing here? What have you done this time?”
“You shut up. At least my parents didn’t name me Edmond.” I said to Abram, which the old man did not get.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?” Pops yelled.
“I’m talking to Ed here. That was not directed at you.” I yelled back.
“Xavier, heh, that’s funny.” whispered Abram.
“Jack ass.” I whispered back.
“WHAT!”
“Jesus man, I’m talking to Ed, not you. You know ED! You’re beloved and screwed-over-by-his-own-god prophet Abram. Now ease up and wait your turn. God!” In looking back at that I can see how that may not have been the best approach at that time in handling the situation. But He did start yelling first and as previously stated I was still on the defensive. Oddly enough, it seemed to work.
Pops face flushed red with anger, the type of red that a cherry packet of Kool-Aid turns your tongue after you decide to pour a packet in your mouth instead of a pitcher of water. Fortunately for me His pride would not let me get the better of Him in front of His own prophet, who, according to His recollection was suppose to be dead. The “screwed-over-by-his-own-god prophet” bit that I yelled at Him is what helped Him figure out who I was talking to.
After the redness in His face subsided a bit, Pop managed in His best “I’m not going to yell, I’m not going to yell, I’m not going to yell” voice, “I sorry…Roy was it? Excuse my intrusion, but would you leave? I have some righteous business to discuss with my prophet here.”
With the skies now starting to clear Hagar was looking back at the camp making sure nothing had been destroyed. Seeing that only a heated conversation was underway, Hagar headed back to the camp with Carol and Abram’s child in her arms. It was time for her to finish her deal with Ra and collect her reward.
“Wait just a minute.” I said to Pops.
“Wait? I don’t wait. I’m God.”
“Look, this is my planet, you are the once visiting, and when you are on my planet you’ll abide by my rules.” Apparently I have inherited of my old man’s bloated ego genetic code.
“Roy, this is not your planet.” Pops attempted to correct me. “I made it. Technically it’s mine.”
“Oh no! When you tossed me and the others here, you made me lord and master of this land. At least I’m pretty sure you did…or did I just read that somewhere…I forget. It was something like that…” As I stopped and thought about where I had heard that little phrase before, Pops pulled Abram aside and started His little heart to heart conversation.
“Ok first off, don’t ever talk to that guy ever again. And don’t believe a word he says, ever. Never, ever. Secondly, what you are doing here?”
“I am fulfilling your word Lord. Jolly good to see you again.” assured Abram.
“Doing my work?”
“Well yeah, teaching the people about you and how you changed the heart of the Phil into rewarding us. And now we are touring the land trying to convert the people to you.”
“The heart of who?”
“Phil, you know the pharaoh of Egypt.”
“Oh yes, Phil.” Pops was trying to recall who this Phil person was, but something inside him was starting to get a bad feeling about this.
“I’ve also been helping you fulfill your commitment to me and my legacy.” added Abram.
“Good…That’s just what I was going…to…my what?”
Hagar arrived on the seen and was waiting for the right moment to present Abram’s case. “You’re promise to him and all his seed, that they shall be as numerous as the sands and cover the world, and they shall be blessed by you all their day, through all his generations.” announced Hagar.
“That’s the one.” Abram added.
“Ah…yes…that one. Wonderful. Um…who are you?” said Pops to Hagar.
Hagar ignored His question. “You can begin fulfilling your promise to Abram right now by blessing his first born. Here is Abrams son”
Both Abram and Pops were taken back by this, and as Hagar lifted up the child they did the only thing they could do, they relied on their male instincts and denied it. “No it’s not.” they both said in unison.
“Abram you know that little plague you’ve been suffering from? Mainly the part I educated you about to make it go away” said Hagar.
“Well…I wouldn’t…not really suffering…it’s a good cure…I mean…well…yeah.”
“Plague? What plague? My prophet has a plague?” asked Pops.
Hagar then proceeded to explain to both Abram and Pops exactly what the plague was, and how it really wasn’t a plague at all, but a very natural and healthy thing. Abram looked relieved but Pops was a little tense. Then Hagar explained to Abram that procreation can be a result of that act he had been doing and that the child she was holding was a result of that. This left a rather strained look on Abrams face. Seeing Abrams reaction and conveying that what was being said was true created an even greater strain on the old man’s face.
“Is this true?” asked Pops, already knowing it was.
Abram nodded his head. He then proceeded to give an account of the past 18 months and what he had been doing. He talked about all the people he converted. He talked about how his plague started as a result of seeing so many foreign women in so little clothes. He talked about how he had been taught to stop the plague from arising and how much he enjoyed getting rid of it, but that he didn’t think about doing with Saria in case she were to get the plague as well. He then confessed that he now realized why he and Saria had been childless for so many years do simply to the fact that they had not information as to what procreation actually was. He told the Lord that never imagined he would be responsible for birth of children that were not Saria’s. He then began apologizing for his lack of knowledge in the situation, but that all his requests to Pops went unanswered so he went to a source he thought he could trust to help him with his problems.
Pops was fighting the urge to start yelling. He was mad, but He wasn’t exactly sure who He was supposed to be mad at. Hagar began to speak and explain more if the situation, Pops just stood there glaring at everyone. As she continued, Pop listened to her voice and after a while found himself quite calm and content, and had no idea why. Hagar presented the old man a list of all the mothers-to-be in the land of Egypt that were entitled to the promise and blessing he made to Abram and his lineage.
Apparently every town that Abram stopped in, Hagar informed the available women of the town that any of them that conceived as a result of copulating with Abram would be blessed greatly by Ra and Abram’s god. Abram, having only recently learned about the act was very eager to try it on as many as were willing in hopes that it would permanently cure him.
She also informed Pops that these people even though they would be of the house of Abram would remain faithful follows to their god Ra. Explaining that any conversions in the land were false. The people only said they were converted to keep Abram in the land at the request of Hagar.
“Your penance for using your children for your own selfish endeavors will be your unwavering blessing on a lineage of people who will never believe in you, and this shall last as long as this earth is peopled. And dear sir, I do highly recommend that you never use your children in this way again. Do you understand me?”
Maybe it was Hagar’s presence and soothing voice or maybe Pops just knew He had been beat, and beat well. Regardless of the reason He calmly conceded, “Yes, I understand. I will keep my promise.”
“Then my job here is finished. My dear friends and I shall be leaving you now and returning home. Be well all of you.” said Hagar. Who then left, taking the child with her and started going around the camp and telling people that it was time for them to go. Hagar called to Saria to come out of her tent and talked with her for a little while. When she finished she gave Saria a hug. Saria began to cry and ran to Abram. As Hagar and the others began to head out, she walked back to Abram and Saria and told them, “You know that feeling the two of you have been experiencing every time you think of the other or touch the other?”
They both nodded.
“That is my gift to you. Use it and enjoy it, you have both earned it.” and with that she was gone from their lives forever (not mine mind you, just theirs). They did say this about Hagar as she was walking away, “She’s the…wow…amazing…thank you Hagar. Thank you.” They were right you know. They were right.
It was the perfect plan. Ra eternally bested Pops, because Pops would forever be blessing a people that would have nothing to do with Him. After this payback though, the gods mostly got over their insults phase. No one would ever be able to do one better than what Ra did to Pops. Additionally, the gods avoided talking about it because the plan was so perfect, but it was a human that thought of it and not a god, so their egos were hurt. Pops never talked about it for obvious reasons, and Ra kept pretty clear of it because even though he won it was very clear that it was only Hagar’s plan. As for Hagar’s reward, no one knows for sure, but there is not a god in all the universes that does not know who she is.
Oddly enough Pops had the urge to actually take His role as supervisor for His followers seriously and ensured that they would return to their own land safely. He also bestowed new names to Abram and Saria, righteous names, no, godly names. These new named would be a gift from Him to them as a sign of His promise to keep His promise to them. The new names He bestowed on them were, Abraham and Sarah. Yeah, Pops really does suck at giving people names. He just has no talent for it. I do feel in necessary to point out that for the record, the true reason Pops changed the names of those two was to help avoid any connection to the “sex starved foreigners that visited the pharaoh one summer and took Hagar on a summer holiday through out the land and got most of the single women pregnant.” story that was talked about for centuries throughout all of Egypt. Who knows, maybe in some rustic circles, it is still being talked about?
Due to Hagar being there I was able to walk out of that one pretty easy without any more additional confrontation with the old man. Although, after the event I did hear from a number of reliable sources that Pops did claim to His hosts in heaven that the befuddlement of that situation was entirely my fault. I have no idea how He tied it to me, but as far as most are concerned up there, that was mostly my fault.
I stayed clear of Abram and Saria, I mean Abraham and Sarah for a few years, but eventually curiosity got the best of me. I had to see how things were going for them and their first son Isaac. Let’s just say I was not expecting things unfold the way they did.
