When Mike showed up at the pub I was a touch lit, but I was focused enough to notice the crumpled piece of parchment Mike dropped next to me as he walked by. He was out the door and half way home by the time I looked up after picking up the paper. It read: “Sample omelet melts every Tuesday. Help in new game. After music involve side stage tribute helping really easy employees. Work every endeavor keenly. Sell food in x-amounts in taste.”
Translation: Something amiss, three weeks, fix it.
Twelve drinks and the next morning later, I found myself on my back at Abe’s place. It took about three hours to actually get to my feet, but it wasn’t all for reasons you might think. I had to be good guest and Abe was kind enough to make sure I had a nice brunch once I got up. It took three hours because initially chewing food hurt a lot so I had to chew really slowly. Once I did finally get up I noticed that there was a different energy in the air than what had previously been there. I think the people around the house were referring to this as a sense of hope. Everyone I came across appeared more relaxed than I had seen them the last two times I had visited. When I saw Abe and Sarah, they both rushed to meet me. Sarah wrapped her arms around me and gave me a warm kiss on the cheek. Then Abraham wrapped his arms around me and Sarah hugging and gave me a warmer kiss on my other cheek*.
(*Awkward? A little, but only because the kiss lasted for about four seconds longer than I was normally use to at that point in my life.)
“So…where’s the kid?”
Abraham and Sarah finally let go of me and took a step back, both smiling profusely. “It’s just wonderful, thank you so much.” started Sarah.
“What?”
“Sarah and I have no idea how you did it, but to get the Lord to give us the ok to eradicate our obstinate son, we cannot thank you enough.”
“Where’s the kid?” I asked again, starting to get a little nervous. I was starting to grasp why Mike needed me back here. Turned out he was still around, just a little indisposed of. Abraham had a brilliant idea that to make the offering that much more appeasing to the Lord, and not to mention more flammable, they had started marinating the boy in wine. The kid had passed out after about an hour of soaking in the stuff. Apparently hey had no concept that the alcohol could still enter Isaac’s blood stream simply by soaking in it. To be honest, it really was a waste of a perfectly good vino, but at least the little bastard was not terrorizing everyone. So I guess it was not a total waste.
Abraham and Sarah understood perfectly what their God had asked them and they were looking forward to it. I had not anticipated that. I imagined a little remorse or discontent, but not planning a celebratory party that the whole damn village was invited to. I’ve never met two parents that were so gleeful about the prospect of doing their Gods will when it encompassed offing their offspring. I had to do something to bring them back to reality.
“Not to put a damper on things, but we do need to remember who gave this order.” I told them.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s not really the most reliable sort… I mean He has been known to change His mind from time to time, depending on His mood.”
“Think we should kill him now then and then apologize the next time He stops by?” offered Abe.
“Good idea honey, I’ll go get the fire started.” added Sarah.
“Now just on a minute there!” I needed to come up with something fast. “Would you be happier with a deceased child or would you enjoy the victory reforming your child to be a righteous child the rest of your and his life?”
They both seemed a little intrigued by this suggestion. I pointed out that the boy should be informed that he had brought on him the wrath of the Lord and for his bad behavior doom was heading his way. Also, if he tried to dismiss it by saying he was blessed, his parents could point out that he had to earn the Lords blessings, and that it was possible to lose those them as well.
Personally, I thought it was a pretty good deflection and it seemed to work. Abraham and Sarah started to talk about possible ways of terrorizing the child into righteousness, and if it didn’t work they could kill him anyway. This did buy me their solemn promise that they would not kill Isaac until the specified time the Lord commanded. Mike and I had our three weeks. Now I needed to get a hold of Mike and make sure the old man would show up to save the kid. Otherwise, he was a goner.
I mean yeah, the kid was a pretty worthless, but commonly when you run into horrible kids it’s because you have horrible parents. It’s like sitting in a public café and just as your meal gets placed in front of you a little kid two tables down begins screaming and the parents just ignore the little bastard. Then on top of that they just start talking over the screaming. Is that a horrible child? Yes, but it’s because the parents are even more horrible than the kid.
Isaac could have been an ok kid if Abraham and Sarah had given enough of a damn to discipline the kid, even a little. It’s that whole govern by love mentality that makes the worst parents. Governing by love mean the kid is going to be a spoiled little shit, and the truth is it’s the parents fault. Instead of encouraging Isaac that he was a blessed child by God they should have tried instilling basic human decency in him. You know the simple universals like treating others with the same disposition you would like them to interact with you**. And being the bad parents they were, Abraham and Sarah were all for resorting to terrorizing the kid in the same sort of manner he has terrorized them. Sure, in my opinion they all needed professional help, but when I actually stopped and thought about it I realized something. They were all assholes and I honestly think they deserved the child they got. I even started feeling a little bad for the kid. Don’t get me wrong, I still hated him, but I did feel sorry for him. Sure, deep down I was a little happy that they were finally going to give him a little bit of the hell he put them though. But, as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes the only way to teach some personalities a lesson is to do it the hard way.
(**The only area where this rule is not universal is at singles bars or any place where one is trying to pick up on another individual. There is a totally different set of decency rules involved in those types of scenarios.)
When Mike and I finally got back together to discuss two weeks had already gone by. I explained what was going on and the importance that Pops showing up on time to stop the whole mess. Mike seemed a little concerned, “Do we have a back up plan?”
“He’s still out swimming around isn’t He?”
“…well.”
“You know where right?”
“Of course! I mean I did, err do… He seems to have extended His trip, but failed to relay His current location.” explained Mike.
“Ahhh bugger.”
“Technically, this is your fault.”
“How?”
“Whose idea was this again?”
“Well, whose boss has the mental attention span of a drunken frat boy in attempting to read the articles a smutty magazine?” I asked.
“Harsh.”
“And deserved!” The discussion paused for a moment while we both wracked our brains trying to think of something. “Ok fine,” I said, “He’s probably not going to make it, so we better stick close and when the time comes keep Abraham from offing his kid.”
“You think we should stop him then?”
“You know how these earthlings are. If this happens, soon human child sacrifice is going to become the newest craze. We need to save Isaac so we can save generations of children who are going to end up follow your boss.”
“Good god.” said Mike, “You’re absolutely right.”
“I know.”
“Your plans suck.”
“Not my fault Mike, it’s a design flaw.”
“Meaning?”
I explained that Pops made these people with a pretty impressive brain, but also made them incredibly gullible with a strong urge to fit in. I mean sure they can think, they just aren’t that good at it, and based on that I considered our current situation more Pops fault than mine***.”
(*** Mike knew I was right, and when that happens, he usually just changes the subject.)
“I hate you Roy… so what’s the plan?”
We both agreed that we could not reply on Pops to follow through on this one and had to make sure we were close enough to keep the kid from getting sliced, cooked, and buried. I was hoping that Isaac and his parents might actually develop some sort of rapport by spending some time together and that Abraham’s basic paternal instincts might surface enough to keep him from killing the boy. Still, that was a bit of a long shot so Mike and I had to keep close, just in case.
When the day finally arrived Mike had received word that no word from Pops had been received. Despite the high risk of being caught working together Mike and I were ready. Mike thought it best to keep disguised incase angelic influence was required. It would look a little more divine that way. I did appreciate Abraham and Sarah’s attempts at terrorizing the kid into being good. It meant they were at least trying. It occasionally worked too. Isaac was a touch baffled at the sudden interaction his parents, but the sudden strain of not having total rule and control over them was a bit difficult for him to comprehend. This resulted in him fighting the urge to do what they asked.
On the morning of “sacrifice day” Isaac managed to start the day off pissing off his old man. Every time the kid reverted to his old self, Abraham would go up into the mountains and work on the sacrificial alter. Upon getting pissed that morning, it took Abe about thirty minutes to walk to the alter. It took about 5 second to place the last brick on the alter thus completing it. Yes, apparently he has built the whole thing except the placement of the last brick. Another thirty minute walk and he was back at the house to get the boy.
It took about another thirty minutes to find Isaac, which only encouraged Abe all the more to kill the kid. After he was found Abe tied a rope around this kids waist so he couldn’t get away and began heading back to the alter. Sarah simply waved goodbye and started to get things ready for the party that night. I believe both she and Abe felt they had honestly given it an effort, but in the end it was what the Lord wanted, and if the offering pleased the Lord enough, they might just get a better son next time around.
I had hoped that the walk back would get Abraham a little sentimental. Isaac had been quiet for almost twenty minutes, and the silence began to smooth Abe’s mind. But with only ten minutes left to walk Isaac began getting chatty. Isaac was angry that they had been walking so long without a break. He was angry that he had not been given any treats to eat on the way. He angry because he hand not had a drink the whole time and was thirsty. Then he added, “Dad, you’re dumb.”
“Isaac.” warned Abraham.
“Mom’s dumb. This whole hike is dumb. I want to go home. Only a dumb person would walk all the way out here. I’m thirsty, give me a drink.”
Every word he spoke seemed to make Abraham smile wider and wider at the prospect that soon he would be cooking this hemorrhoid of a child in honor to his god.
Mike and I were already hiding behind some boulders close by as they arrived. Abraham was so upset with Isaac he decided to explain that they boy was about to be sliced open and burnt as an offering to the Lord, and for being a little shit. Michael was dressed as a sheep herder, figuring that it would me feasible if he were noticed. I just made sure I had a mask to cover my face so I would not be recognized.
“I hate you dad. You stop right now and let’s go home. You are so stupid. Why are you even out here?”
“Son…”
“Shut up. Give me a drink. I hate you. I bet mom does too.”
And with that, Abe lost it. “You are the WORST son to ever live! You know that? You are a worthless little shit! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE HATES YOU!”
Mike and I were on our feet and running towards Abraham.
“No one wants you! No one loves you! God even hates you! He hates you so much He wants me to kill you, burn you and spit on your ashes!”
Isaac was petrified, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, and when he saw Abraham pull the dagger from his coat and rush towards him all he could do is scream, close his eyes, fall down, wet himself, and start crying. By the time I got to the alter Mike was behind Abraham holding down his arms. He was whispering something in Abraham’s ear. It was some holy chant, or something. I’d never heard it before, but I had heard about it. It soothes the soul, and that is exactly what it was doing for Abraham. I just stood there, watching a master at work. As soon as Michael let go of Abraham, Abe fell to his knees and started praying out loud. Isaac was still crying.
Mike picked up the boy and began whispering in his ear as well. The boy started to calm down and as soon as Mike let go of the boy, Isaac walked over to his father and gave him a hug. The moment was almost serene. Mike tugged at my arm and we ducked out of sight. Then as your book describes, there was a lamb, blah, blah, blah, they sacrificed it instead of Isaac, and behold the whole sacrifice thing is taught to the people, blessings to people, end of story.
After that point, Abraham and Isaac seemed to have a bond between them and were renewed in their devotion to Pops and His teachings and laws. Isaac actually became a compassionate individual, deeply devoted to his parents. Yep, it was some sort of holy miracle invoked by God, or something like that.
It was a few years later, but I finally asked Mike what he had said to them that ignited the change in both of them. All he said is that sometimes the brain is unwilling to feel. Sometime a mind needs to be talked to in a way so that it feels what is being said instead of hearing what it being said. When I mind is opened to feelings sometimes it can change in an instance, and sometimes that change can save a life.
I thought that was sweet, not sure I buy it, but whatever he did and said changed that family forever. It was a little touching, so much in fact that I decided to leave and let Pops people do a little of their own evolving. The feeling didn’t last very long, but I swear I did try. I tried the whole time I was hanging out in Sodom and Gomorrah, which I had nothing to do with. In fact, I refused to interfere with that one all together… well, mostly.
