Have you ever wondered, why have certain stories or sections of stories, you know the naughty bits, seem to persevere and remain in you Bible throughout centuries? This is not just any collect of books. Oh no, it’s your collection of holy writ. There is actually a very simple explanation. When monks are denied basic needs and rights, such as sex and orgasm, it can be expected that in order to counterbalance this loss the occasional dirty story becomes their only real outlet. I mean it was the Catholic Churches influence on political hierarchy that birthed the first collection of holy writ to be compiled, and thus the bible was born. So as you can imagine, the one thing that both horny politicians and sexually oppressed clergy could get off on were naughty stories, which they felt needed to be preserved and put into print*. This is how the whole story of Lot got placed and preserved in the bible for the 500+ years the bible has been in print. I also need to point out that the story has been modified a bit, to try to give it some sort of religious significance. To tell you the truth, the actual story of Lot is one of the sadder stories I’ve ever been a part of. It has been numbed down from rewrite to rewrite, but I’ll do my best to return some of its original emotion.
*Sex sells. It has always sold, and it will always sell. If the king was going to foot the bill for a collection of holy books, he needed something that he could enjoy that would make the book worth reading. Sex, nudity, and murder, the bible was an easy sell once all those subjects were included a few of the story lines.
The only thing I enjoy about the story as it is now is that it is one of the few stories that happens to end so innately and uncomfortably wrong that all you are left with is the impulse to say, “Whaaaaaa?” shake your head from side to side for about twenty minutes and then go take scalding hot bath in hopes it will burn away some of the feeling you are left with. I’m not sure why I appreciate that, I just do. I think it has to do with the progression of society as a whole. Showing us that there are some things that, no matter how far we’ve come along seem to be just plain wrong and that there could have never been a time in history that that would be considered ok. I think I may be getting a little bit ahead of myself here. Let’s pick up where we left off, with Lot.
After being promoted by Abraham and sent from Egypt to fend for himself, Lot took up residence in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was due to a number of internal conflicts, as a self proclaimed artist Lot had learned from legit artists that the best nude paintings and models came from Sodom and Gomorrah. But as a religious man, and filled with righteousness reliance, he knew his eternal place in history would forever be made if he could bring the people of the city to follow the Lord.
After arriving in Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot began and preaching to the people. After a week Lot had received 1 dinner invitation, 6 threats on his life, 13 tomatoes thrown at him, 27 offers to have someone buy him a drink, 112 copper pieces worth of donations, 1 gold ring to shut up, 1487 propositions for some sort of sexual exchange, and finally more pinches on his tush than he would ever care to count. Apparently the people found preachers to be very exciting and desirable. After that week, Lot decided that leading by example might be a better way to approach the people about God.
He got a job working as a waste distribution manager* at one of the inns in town. It wasn’t a great job, but it was an honest job and he took some pride in that. He also was able to get to know a lot of the locals this way. Eventually he purchased a place in town with some of the cash he had leftover from his exploits in Egypt. He turned a portion of his place into a soup kitchen so the homeless could get a free meal. As the people would eat, Lot would give a sermon and end it by inviting people to attend services on Saturdays. Not a lot of people were interested in what he had to say, but he did get an occasional thank you for feeding the hungry. Lot adopted a “live and let live” lifestyle that seemed to work very well for him during this time, and all those who came across Lot felt the same way about him.
*He shoveled camel shit.
He was known as the holy man in town, and no one really had any problems with him. He was kind of cute, so he was a source of fantasy for a good portion of the men and women in town, but out of respect, left him alone to do his good and preach his message in his house. He even started painting again. Strictly landscapes, but it was another way for him to offer some beauty to the world. Oddly enough, because of his lack of artistic training and new subject matter, Lot had a style that was very much his own, much like his place in Sodom and Gomorrah. Eventually he gave up his waste management position to begin painting more so he could meet all the orders for his work.
Lot met his wife about seven years after he moved to Sodom and Gomorrah. She was a bit younger than he was. They met at one of his art shows. She was a new and searching artist, and wanted to know how Lot found his style and inspiration. Being young and impressionable, she fell deeply infatuated with Lot right away. She was fascinated with how he treated others. His live and let live philosophy, and his desire to bring some goodness into the world, even if that goodness was limited to his own existence.
Ok, now about Lots wife. It’s really not that big of a deal, but is has to do with every reference to her in your bible. I’ve noticed that in your book this woman has no individual identity. She is always referred to as Lot’s wife and that’s it. Personally I find that a little sexist, but then again it’s the bible and if there is one thing that the bible does well, it’s being sexist towards women.
Lot’s wife was named Abigail. Once she learned about Lot’s soup kitchen, she pretty much moved in full time. She took comfort in Lot’s teachings and philosophy on life. Eventually, Lot began to notice Abigail. It started as small talk about painting. Through the next few months the small talk evolved into discussions about life. They became a couple without really trying. It just happened. Eventually Lot and Abigail were married, due to Lot’s religious convictions of abstinence until marriage. And like most religious people who share this notion, they fooled around with one another until they got as close to coitus as you possibly can without calling it coitus, and then they got married really fast so they could fulfill the throbbing desire to experience what sporting advocates generally refer to as scoring. And so they did, repeatedly, until Lot found himself with two small girls approximately ten months apart, Annabelle and Sally. Abigail and Lot continued to preach on Saturdays and kept the poor fed on the weekdays, with the occasional art show and commission on the weekends. And for about 17 years that’s how life went for Lot and his family. It was a good life. The only concern they really had at that point was keeping their two girls away from the type of locals that had no scruples about whom or what propositioned.
It was about this time that the Pops got a bug up His ass to wreak havoc on all of the non-followers/believers living in His designated domain. What started Pops whole death to all infidels’ campaign? Pop’s was doing fine for a few years. The whole scuba diving thing kept Him away so that people could live their life unhassled. Then He lost interest, as he always does, and fell into a fit of boredom. There was no internet yet to keep Him distracted from work. He did try a few alternatives. He became infatuated with for a bit to help with His boredom. I think He had mono, but no one was listening to me at that time.
Mom was busy doing her own thing, so she commonly left the old codger alone. A funny thing about Mom, she always has Her own thing going on. If I remember correctly She was busy on tour teaching safe sex classes at community colleges. She’s always enjoyed teaching. In fact I think She stayed on for a number of years as a volunteer teacher at one of the local colleges close to home. She eventually started Her own text book company that is still doing very, very well.
While in His fit of boredom Pops started going through all His accomplishment in the past 2000 years. It was kind of like a mid-life crisis only there was no mid-life aspect involved. He decided to validate His accomplishments by comparing His followers’ accomplishments and praise to Him against the accomplishments and praise of the followers of rival gods. He put on a disguise and started roaming the Earth in regions that were not assigned to His followers. Most places had a lot of good things to say about their deity, and held them in a level or respect and adoration. He also learned that usually when the people started to slide in their devotion to their god, some sort of event would occur to help remind the people that their god watches over them and expects love and devotion in any reference to him. Pops found all of this very enlightening and eventually headed back to His own land to compare His success verses the other gods.
It was sheer dumb luck that Pop’s decided to visit Sodom and Gomorrah first. It was a border city and was the closest city in His land from where He was walking from. Because Sodom and Gomorrah was a border city it was a melting pot of different beliefs and cultures. The city had adapted and learned to cater to all types of people, while keeping its provincial treatment of others to a bare minimum. It also happened to be dumb luck that I was hanging out in town at one of the taverns when the old codger came into town.
As Pops started talking to “His people” no one seemed to have heard of the god He was asking questions about. This didn’t help the accomplishment crisis Pops was experiencing. So He became a little more intense about His questioning. My guess is that He completely forgot He was in disguise. As Pops was questioning people about their faith, He was told over and over again that what He was doing was not socially acceptable and considered to be quite rude, unless, of course, He was in the “religious chat section” of town. Pops, being proud by social status, refused to follow any of man’s social rules and laughed at these people for telling Him that He was being rude. He was God, therefore it was impossible for Him to be rude. Pops started to stick out because of this. The people of the city had put the word out on Pops and people began going out of their way to treat Him rather poorly.
This poor treatment started to get on Pops nerves. He had decided to take a break, get some lunch and then leave town to find a different town to see if it was a worthless as Sodom and Gomorrah. All I can say about what happened next is that Loki, you’re a bastard! Out of all the pubs Pops could have entered throughout all of Sodom and Gomorrah get a Ham on rye and then go on His way, He just so happened to walk into the bar I standing in laughing and happy and telling jokes to the patrons. Pops saw me being welcomed and accepted by “His people” in His city and He was being shunned. The bloke just sort of snapped. The role reversal was not something he would not tolerate. He left the Earth and headed back to the office in a sound of a thunderclap. He was pissed, and not in the good way. He had made up His mind to do some rezoning via His patented sulfur and brimstone form of construction.
