Some stories have been lost over the years, and some stories have never been told. One of those untold stories is one of love and how I met someone that cause me to get a bit more involved in some of stories that in my second collection of what really happened all those years ago, you know, according to me… Roy.

I realized that then I reached my 300th page and was not even out of the book of Genesis, my task was going to need to change a little. To complete this daunting task of biblical explanation, a collection of work is going to be required. So, as the Buddhists say, “All things in moderation,” ok so no idea if the Buddhists say that or not, but it seems true on most levels, and I believe this to be one of them. I thank you for taking the time to learn more about Pops and his, and possibly your people. I’m sure Pops thanks you too. Not that I’m speaking for Him mind you. I just happen to have a pretty good idea how the old fellow thinks. Besides, Mom says He’s become a lot more thankful this millennium. I don’t know about you, but I find some comfort in that.

“Nine hours!” was the first thing Steve said to Abigail.

“What do you mean?”

“They changed the deadline. It starts at 6 instead of noon. You need to be at least an hour out of town once the destruction starts.”

“So eight hours then, not nine? We need to start leaving by 5?”

“Yes. I mean at least by 5. It’s going to be an unholy mess one it starts so the sooner you can get on your way the better it would be for the whole family.”

Abigail started to cry, “It’s not right. What He’s doing is not right.”

“Work while you cry, what can I do to help?”

Abigail instructed to Steve to go get the donkeys out of the stable and harnessed up to the little cart they used to haul Lot’s paints and painting around town. The girls arrived while Steve was out, and in a tearful flurry Abigail explained that they had to leave that night, the end was coming first thing in the morning and they had to get their things packed. When Steve got back he began to help load up the cart. Two hours later, Lot showed up.

He was a little surprised to see four donkeys out front with two already packed full, and two tied to their cart, which was about half way full of boxes. As he walked in he noticed the front room was empty and Abigail and the girls were running around the house panic stricken and tear trails down their dust caked faces. Steve walked out of the kitchen, looked at Lot and with a sigh of relief said, “Thank God!” Steve explained the situation to Lot, “You have to be on the road and out of two in four hours, five if you think your asses and gallop for at least the first 30 minutes.”

“Hey now Steve. No need for that kind of language.”

Steve stared at Lot. Lot broke the silence and turned from Steve’s stare, “I know! I know! It’s just… it’s here and I failed!”

“If you are not out of two when the destruction hits then you will have failed, until then, get loading up the cart.”

They pushed for the next three hours getting the things they absolutely needed and then spent the last hour arguing about things they wanted to bring but didn’t really need.

Steve broke into the conversation, “You four grab your asses and get on the road. If I can save anything I will, but you have got to get going.”

Everyone nodded in agreement and headed out of the house. Steve warned them it would be best not to look back when the city was being destroyed, “Then the Lord unleashes his wrath upon a people, it is a horrific event. No human eye that has witnessed such an event, has ever fully recovered. So please just keep moving and do not look back.” And with that warning, Lot, Abigail, Annabelle, and Sally started to lead their donkeys out of town with haste in their step. After about an hour and a half of keep with that pace they, out of sheer exhaustion, stopped to catch their breath. By then they were a safe distance for the city so that they would not be consumed when the destruction started.

Once they had caught their breath, they had a little food and water to get their strength back up and began moving again. About ten minutes later they heard the first thunderclap and felt the earth shake. The destruction had begun. Everyone started to run away from the noise behind them. Lot yelled at everyone to not look back. To just keep moving away from what they were hearing. The girls began to shake as tears to soak their cheeks for a second time. Lot choked away the tears that were beginning to frame his eyes. He could cry later, for now he had to get his family to safety.

After ten minutes of running away from the city as fast and as best as they could, the ground shook with such force that all of them stumbled to the ground. As they all huddled around, crying and fearing for their own lives, covering their heads with their arms and shawls, Abigail came to an unshakeable realization. She hated the God she claimed to believe in and wanted others to know what this God had done to her, her friends, her home, and her family. She needed to share this epiphany before it went away. She knew that if it they did survive, the evil God of death that was destroying Sodom and Gomorrah was going to be given credit for letting them live and it would be a story told to others about what a good God it was that did this horrible thing. She would not want to give any more undeserved credit to a god she now knew in her heart was false.

“Lot.”

“Yes?”

“Is your god a just and fair god?”

Lot didn’t want to respond.

“We had a house of god didn’t we? I mean with all that we did in His name, and for His honor. Am I wrong?”

“No, you’re not wrong.”

“Why would your god destroy His own house? Why would your loving and accepting god murder so many unknowing and innocent people?”

“I don’t know Abby. I really don’t know.”

“Lot, your god is false.”

“Abby, don’t.”

“He is nothing like you said He was. He is evil. He is death. He is unjust, and He is a lie. If there is one thing that you have taught me it’s to never follow a lie.”

“Abby, it will be ok. We have each other now.”

“Look at what your god truly is. Look at your lie doing what He does best.”

“ABBY!”

She pushed herself away from Lot and stood up, staring into the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. As she watched burning sulfur rain down on her home, the stream of tears on her cheeks began to dry up from the heat that was being pushed across the landscape. She could see the burning bodies of people she had fed and loved, running and dropping lifeless as they continued to burn. She even thought she could hear the screams, even thought she was too far away for them to be real.

Lot had scrambled back to Abigail and pulled her back to the ground, but it was done. Lot began to scream. “No. No! NO! You’re ok. You didn’t see! Look at me Abby! LOOK AT ME!”

Abigail shifted her eyes from the images of horror burned into her now empty eyes and looked at Lot. She smiled and grabbed Lot’s hand and held it next to her face as Lot held his breath, not wanting it to interfere with what she was about to say, “We did more than your god could ever do. We actually saved people. We were the truth and Him. We were…”

The effect of seeing all she knew and loved being destroyed so violently had sent Abigail into a state of shock. That accompanied by the stress her heart was experiencing caused her heart to give out. Abigail’s stare slipped off Lot and hardened. She gently let go of Lot’s hand, and before her hand hit the ground, she was gone. Lot tightly wrapped his arms around her and as he rocked her back and forth, he kept whispering in her ear that everything was going to be fine, while kissing her forehead. He knew she was gone, but he could not bring himself to letting her go. It wasn’t until 10 hours later, long after the city was nothing but smoldering ash that Annabelle and Sally were able to get Lot to let Abigail go long enough to dig her grave. Once he and the girls finished filling the grave Lot offered one final prayer, not Pops, but to Abigail. He told the girls that their mother was right, and that they needed to leave the land forever, and he never prayed to, gave credit to, and talked about his god ever again.

The three of them rounded up the donkeys, and headed into the wilderness. With Lot’s new found realization that he believed his former god actually was, he was afraid to go to any civilized area. He did not want to risk destruction on any more people incase this vengeful god was to find him. So Lot set up camp in a cave, in the wilderness. However, it was about ten miles from a small village so that the girls could get supplies if needed. The loss of his love definitely took its toll on Lot. His no longer cared to make the world a better place. He just hid in a cave and tried to drink himself into permanent forgetfulness. He more he drank the less he could remember and that was where he now wanted to live.

It was after setting up their new home that both Annabelle and Sally realized that as a result of all their efforts to encourage people to leave town so they would be saved, both of them had contracted a case of pregnancy. Neither had any idea who the fathers were, let alone if they were alive or not, and based on the new introverted mannerisms of Lot, the girls were not sure how Lot would handle the news. They were afraid they might get in trouble and wanted to come up with some way to blame someone else. Since the only person they thought would get mad at them would be their father, they decided that if they could put the blame on him then they would not get in trouble for it. They did come up with a plan, and out of all the plans on the planet they could have come up with, there in a special place in insanity reserved for the plan they put in motion.

Annabelle and Sally went to town and picked up some nice bottles of wine and then cooked up a nice meal that night. They served very small portions and encouraged Lot drink and much as he could, and then to drink a little bit more. By the end of the evening Lot passed out in his bed. The first then undress to their under things and climbed in bed with Lot and fell asleep next to him. When he woke up, he noted that he was in bed with his daughters but chalked it up to it being a cold night and the girls missing their mother.
All the girls had to do at that point was wait until they began to show signs that they were pregnant. They now had a scapegoat to blame in the event that Lot attempted to yell at them. Three weeks later the girls approached Lot and told him they were pregnant. Dismayed at how this was even a possibility, he demanded to know how it could happen.

“Well dad, you remember that evening a few weeks back were we had that nice meal and wine?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well we all had a lot to drink that night.”

“And we all woke up in the same bed.” added Sally to what Annabelle was explaining. Both were looking up at Lot innocently.

And they left everything else up to Lot’s imagination to fill in the blank that was that evening. Lot opened his mouth a few times as if he was about to ask a question, and then closed it again. The girls plan to not get yelled at by their dad had worked. What they didn’t know is what this did to Lot inside. He had lost the only woman he had ever loved, and the only god that he loved and known, but now he had violated his role as a father to his children by unknowingly impregnating them in a fit of drunken wanting, which he did not even remember. Lot had lost… everything. He had nothing left to give to the world and knew he only had one thing that the world held that he could take. So the next morning he sent the girls to the village to get some supplies. While they were away he created one final painting of a dead tree on fire, with the titled, “A Lot of failure, life.” He attached a note telling the girls to find a land and a home to raise good families, adding, “You won’t be seeing your fath… me again, but if there is one thing I can leave you that you can trust me enough to keep with you the rest of your lives, stay away from the god and killed your dear mother. Good bye girls. I love you.” And he left, never to return.

After three days of continuous walking deeper and deeper into the wilderness he made his way up one of the highest mountains he could find. Once he reached the top he built an alter to himself. He then began to yell to the heavens, denouncing Pops and His teaching, His laws, and His existence. He did this for 15 straight hours. Pops even got a call about it, but by the time He showed up to see what was happening, there was already a collection of other gods listening to Lot yell about all of Pops failures as a god.
Feeling a little embarrassed about this Pops called for this trumpet crew to show up so He could go down to Lot and try to calm him down in hopes that it would get Lot to stop making any more of a scene. Then, while Pops was waiting for the crew to arrive, Lot, in his final act of belittlement towards his former god, yelled, “Heavens of the endless gods, I have followed you falsely and reject your existence. I solidify this proclamation I offer myself as an eternal offering to the truth I have learned about you all. You are the waste of worms in the dirt beneath my feet, save the god of Abram. You are even less than that. You are the waste of the beetles that eat the waste of these worms. You are nothing.”

The other gods looked at Pops and started laughing. Pops face flushed with color of embarrassed magenta, and Lot…. Lot splashed wine all over his body then climbed onto the burning alter. As Lot’s screams of pain pieced through the open sky, the other gods just stared in disbelief at Lot and then at Pops, and then back to Lot. Pops slowly started backing away from the entire scene. Something had clearly gone wrong, but He wasn’t 100% sure how this had happened. With all the other gods there, there was going to be a huge backlash of negative press. He needed to go get to the bottom of the story and get a disclaimer out expressing how He was in no way responsible for what had happened.

The true story of Lot is one of the more difficult stories I share, and from knowing what really happened you can understand why it was edited and rewritten to show the power of faith. On a happy note Lot and Abigail were able to meet up again. Because they had both denounced any form of deity before they died, they had no ties after they died, they only had each other. Once he learned that the girls had lied about him about how they got pregnant, he felt a lot better about the afterlife, and eventually admitted that it was probably the best thing they could have done for him. Lot’s and Abby’s anger lasted for quite some time after his death too, and they did their part to be a thorn it Pops side for well over a millennium. Any time Pops had a press conference for the next 1300 years, Lot and Abigail were there picketing and heckling every word Pops said.

What finally got them to stop after all that time? Pops finally consented to have a meeting with them about what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah, after all the facts were placed before Pops, His ego was whittled down enough to admit to them that He was wrong for doing what He did, and apologized for what He had done. He even signed an affidavit stating that very thing. The joy Lot and Abigail felt from being able to prove their former god wrong and have Him apologize to their face was nirvana. They left Pop’s neighborhood of the universe and have never returned, but with what they were about to accomplished, they have become eternal celebrities.

The committee threw Pops off a little at first. It was the first time He experienced open opposition to one of His ideas since that little incident that got me sent to Earth in the first place. Pops has a little catch up meeting with His manager, learning about some of the changes that had taken place while He had been out the past few years. For the most part He was impressed and liked the direction that things were going. The evolutionary existence of Sodom and Gomorrah was something that showed that the whole world was beginning to come together instead of the gods keeping humans separated and afraid.

Still, Pops refused to accept that there was a place in His land where I could go and be openly accepted and where He would be subbed. “That city has got to go. There isn’t a single godly person in that entire town. It is a pox on the existence of all of us and must be smitten…smote.”

“But Lord, Lot lives there.” said one of His managers.

“Who?”

“Lot. He is one of your most devoted disciples. He spreads his knowledge of your existence and helps people in need.”

“I was there. Even speaking of one’s god was considered rude and unacceptable. No. You must be wrong. This is a bad, bad town, that doesn’t like me much, nor I it.”

“The social experience is a little different there.” said the HR manager. “But there are allocated sections of town where preaching is allowed.”

“I was there for a full afternoon and not once did I find a place in the entire city that allowed preaching!”

The HR rep sighed. He was going to have to put together a PowerPoint presentation to try to get Pops to open His eyes. Talking wasn’t going to work, so instead he handed an folder to Pops. This is Lot’s file. It holds all the information you need to know about him and how he has been sharing your message to the people the past 17 years.”

Pops looked over the information and was surprised to learn that someone as passive as Lot could have helped as many people as he had. Still the convert rate of four in the past seventeen years, three of which were his wife and two kids, and the other one only did it so he had a place to sleep for a few months while in the city, but eventually moved away and left his faith in the city with Lot. On paper, Lot was considered a failure as a prophet, but what he was doing and the lives he was touching was incalculable and was really, really difficult to put down on paper in a statistic appealed to a person that was only interested in the bottom line.

The discussion only lasted about an hour, and ended with an overly annoyed god begrudgingly agreeing to the proposal that Lot had two weeks to bring some righteousness to Sodom and Gomorrah. If he failed, the city would be destroyed, and that was the end of the meeting. The angels were actually amazed that they had gotten two weeks out of Him. There was a lot that the Make Sodom and Gomorrah Righteous committee had to do and oddly enough I was one of the first people they contacted.

Mike sent me a message, suggesting that I get myself and any of my “minions” out of town because it was on the verge of eradication. The other gods also contacted and told what was going on and what was going to happen if Lot failed. And also that since the land was technically on Pops domain that He had the ultimate say is what was to happen. That evening three angels headed to Lot’s house to tell him about the ultimatum of this town. This was the first time since Lot had arrived in town that he visited with not only followers of his god, but angelic messengers of his god as well. It was both one of the greatest and worst experiences he had ever had.

The angels told Lot that the only thing saving the city from instant total destruction was him and that in order to save the city Lot had to go out and convert some people. Even if it was only one convert, as long as it was a legitimate convert the city would be spared. Lot knew the disposition of the people and knew that it was going to be a very difficult task.
As the angels finished explaining this situation Abigail got home. Before she knew who was actually visiting she asked, “Lot, honey, are the prostitutes visiting again? There’s a bit of a crowd gathering outside.”

“No dear, we do have some very special guests visiting though.”

“So not the prostitutes?” she called out from the other room while hanging up her coat.

“No dear, these visitors are from out of town.”

The angels just sat quietly there looking at one another unsure how to respond to them being referred to as prostitutes.

“So they are prostitutes!” Abigail said laughing a little. “I never met one that was raised here. Maybe our little Ann will be the first.”

“Abi!”

“Oh you know I’m kidding… mostly.” and into the sitting room walked Abigail with a small smile on her face. She stopped just inside the doorway looking at the three guests. These guests where definitely from out of town.

“Abigail these are messengers, they have come with dire news. This is Phil, Steve, and Bernadette.” The three angels stood to greet Abigail.

“What news?”

The angels then proceeded to tell Abigail the same thing they had told Lot. Tears began to stream down Abigail’s cheeks. Sodom and Gomorrah was her home and the only one she had truly ever known and ever wanted to know. The thought of it being destroyed including all of the people they had fed, had gotten to know, and learned to love, it was… well, it was wrong. It’s the type of thing no one is ever prepared to hear and the fact that it was going to happen in two weeks only added to the severity. The most sombering thing about it all was that it was going to be the god that they had taught about every Saturday. Their god of love and acceptance was going to be the one to cause this horrific event to occur.

After Abigail had calmed down, the discussion began on possible ways to get the people to listen, to get them interested, and to get them converted to help save them the city. Preaching out on the streets would only cause the people to reject everything Lot said to them. Going door to door only interrupts people who have better things to do and are probably doing those things. This only starts the discussion with an element of annoyance, which causes any possible conversion to become invalid and fruitless. It seemed that telling people the truth might possibly create fear converts and being converted due to fear of imminent destruction does not create a true faithful convert either.

They discussed the possibility of using Lot’s girls to try to entice their many callers to learn about their god, using the no coitus with non believer’s line of logic. Lot knew this type on conversion tactic was also invalid. Not to mention that when it came to getting true converts, the promise of coitus was one of the most devious and unethical ways to get people to convert. Sex conversions were not apart of Lot’s belief structure. As the evening wore on it seemed the less and less likely it was that they would obtain a successful and true conversion within the next two weeks.

After about three hours Lot realized it was time to feed the poor. They had learned to rely on his kindness and he was not going to let them down. He asked if the angels wanted to help him and Abigail feed the poor. Hoping that perhaps being in the angels company might entice some of them to ask to learn more. The angels agreed.

Here’s the thing about angels that is important to remember, they commonly expel about two to three times as many pheromones as the average human. Now while this does add to the euphoric feeling you experience in their company, over prolonged visitations one does create a fairly intense craving for some type of carnal exchange with someone else. As a result of this an angel gets propositioned to more times one would care to believe. Angels don’t spend enough time with humans on a regular basis to really know about this, at least they didn’t back then when visiting Lot.

The evening was going very well and there were about thirteen different people that showed genuine interest in learning more about what Lot had to teach, and were promptly invited to attend services that coming Saturday. The thing was that people just keep filing into Lots house simply to be near the angels. It was when people subtly and intentionally started rubbing up against the door way, the soup table, the pulpit, or each other that Lot knew something was going on. When he realized that he was starting to feel how the others were acting he knew that things needed to be remedied in a hurry.

Lot explained that there was no more food and that he and the others really needed to call it a night. The people reluctantly started to leave, and most as they left Lot noticed that many were holding other peoples hands. About 20 minutes later there was a knock at the front door. Lot opened the door to greet 47 people who were standing outside.

“I’m sorry, but we are done serving this evening, we are all out of food.” offered Lot.

“We know Lot,” one man said as he stepped forward, taking the spokesman’s role for the group. “We were wondering what your friends are doing this evening?”

“My friends?”

“The three that were assisting you at dinner.”

“Oh yes, um, I believe they were getting ready to turn in. They’ve got a bit of a journey tomorrow.”

“Do you think they’d fancy a nightcap?”

“Well…no, no I don’t.”

“Please check, we’re all very… wantful for some more time with them.”

“Sure, let me go see. I’ll be right back.” Lot closed the door, then locked the door, and headed to the kitchen where the angels were washing up the dishes. “So there are about fifty people outside wanting to spend some time with you three. I told them you weren’t interested and that you have to leave early in the morning, but they are pretty excited about spending some more time with the three of you. Any ideas?”

“Oh, actually we were going to be leaving tonight. There is still a lot to do.” Steve said, as the other two nodded.

“Don’t you want to get a fresh start? I mean that’s a pretty long trip, at least I’d guess it is.”

“Actually it’s really not that far at all for us.” added Bernadette.

“Oh yeah… right! Of course. Ok… so about these people out front?”

“Please tell them that we are leaving soon and as much as we’d love to stay we really do have to be on your way.”

“Ok, I’ll tell them, but I don’t think the rhyme is going to help any. Be right back.”

Lot headed back to the front door, unlocked it and opened it, surprised to see that the number of people outside has almost doubled. “Sorry friends, it appears that they are heading out shortly. They are on a very tight schedule and have to leave quite soon. On a plus note I do expect they will be visiting again soon.”

There was a sigh of disappointment throughout the crowd.

“I know, I know. Still, they may be back this Saturday so I’d be very pleased to see you this Saturday if you’d all like to come.” Lot knew this was cheating, but the worry of his home and his friends being destroyed in two weeks was finally starting to get to him. “Peace to you all and good night.” he added as he began to shut the door again.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… one last thing then.”

“Yes.”

“Your new friends… you know them well enough to know if they are of a… well … you know,” said the crowds spoke person looks a bit flushed and looks down at his feet, “a playful disposition?”

“Playful?” asked Lot knowing exactly what they meant, but praying that it wasn’t what they meant. “You mean like games?”

“Games?” bellowed the spokes person. “No! Of course not games you daft man. We mean sex, sex with lots of different people of over a short amount of time. We’ve all been talking and we all seem to have a strong craving for your three friends in there.”

There it is thought Lot. No confusing what they mean by that. And it’s really not going to help out the city case when the Angels get back heaven. “I see. Unfortunately, they are of the same religious following as myself, and you know what that me…”

“Ah damn it all to hell then.” said the spokes person. His tongue was playing along his upper lip indicating that he was thinking a bit harder than he had previously. “Don’t you teach forgiveness?”

Lot was surprised. Apparently there was one person in town that has actually retained one of his teachings, “Well yes, but…”

“So couldn’t we all have sex and then they could be forgiven of it after?”

“That’s not really the way it’s supposed to work.”

“Why not?”

“Because they wouldn’t do that, it’s part of what they believe.”

“Would they take money?” someone from the crowd yelled out.

“NO! Please this is not debatable. Just let them leave in peace and try not to proposition them when they head out.”

“Ok fine! But we’re going to wait for them to see them off.”

“I’ll let them know.”

“You do that.”

Lot was realizing that this little collection of people were going to be touch pushy on his guests, but at least the distraction was helpful in him avoiding the playful urges he had been experiencing the last few hours. Abigail did not help the situation with her obviously intentional brushing by as she was picking things up around the house. Lot closed the door and called the entire family into the back room and explained the mood of the group outside, explaining that the angels were going to need to sneak out. He decided to send his daughters to talk to the mob while he and Abigail would help the angles sneak out the back door to slip away into the night. The girls needed to make a bunch of noise so the ones watching the back door would feel enticed to head back to the front door. Everyone understood what needed to be done and put the plan into effect.

Sally put Steve’s shawl on over her head and put on some of her fathers robes. Annabelle walked out first and announced that one of the visitors wanted to talk to the crowd before they left, inviting everyone to gather around. This seemed to work, because from around the back of the house another 30 people joined the congregation out front. As Sally stepped out the crowd began to cheer. As the cheers shot through the house, the back door opened. Lot stuck his head out to make sure that the way was clear. Once he was sure there was no one around Phil, Steve, and Bernadette left the house silently and thanked Lot for his time and for the meeting with them.

“Good luck Lot.” the three said, “We’ll be keeping a close eye on how things progress this next week. But just in case, it might be a good idea to begin packing your most important possessions in the event you have to move in a hurry.”

Lot nodded, and thanked them for their help and the warning and with that the door was closed and the angels were gone. Since the girls were keeping the mob at bay, Lot whispered something to Abigail. She smiled, blew out the candles.

Annabelle and Sally were still working the crowd. Once everyone had quieted down Annabelle explained the situation, and actually tried to do a little preaching about following Pops and if they did they would have the opportunity to spend more time with Phil, Steve, and Bernadette. She even passes out some papyrus and started collecting a list of people that would be interested. After about 20 minutes of filler dialogue Lot whispered from behind the door that it was ok that the guests were safely away. With that Sally held up her hand pulled off the shawl and yelled, “I’m sorry friends, but our guests have slipped away. They did ask me to give you this.” and she threw the shawl into the crowd. Sally and Annabelle ran into the house and locked the door behind them as the crowd stood slowly realizing what had just happened.

The crowd seemed to have mixed feelings, some were sad, some started to fight for the shawl, some started making out as a result of all the angelic pheromones they had been exposed, and others headed back to the back door in hopes that they could catch up with the angels. Eventual everyone wandered off. Lot and Abigail congratulated the girls on a job well done and then told them that they were going to their room and were not to be disturbed, until morning. They had some “talking” to do and needed some privacy.
The next few days Lot tried to do go about his daily routine, only a little more so. He would drop hints about services on Saturday to everyone he would talk to. He’s mention how grateful he was for the life his creator had given him and for all the blessings he has received from the Lord. The problem was the people knew him. They were not about to let him give credit for his life and what he was able to accomplish to anyone else. When he would try to give credit to God, the people would ask him the simple but pertinent questions, which would start the follow types of conversations:

“Praise the Lord. All of my paintings were just sold at the gallery.”

“Praise who?”

“The Lord.”

“Lord? Lord who? Is that who bought all your paintings?”

“Oh no, He is my God. It was through Him that I have this gift of painting.”

“Did He paint any of those pictures you just sold?”

“Well, not exactly, I mean I was the vessel the He used…”

“You mean He possessed you, and painted them?”

“No, not at all. He gave me the gift to share this beauty with the world.”

“Gift? So He bought you the paints you use? Or did He just pop by for some tea and give you the gift of painting as a parting gift?”

“Well, no, nothing like that, it was more …”

“Lot, you paint because you love to. You feed the poor because you love helping others. You are a good man and that has nothing to do with your God. It has everything to do with you. You can believe in a higher power, but don’t let Him take credit for your greatness. You created the you, you are today. You developed who you are and how you are, and it comes from inside, not from some external source. So please stop trying to belittle yourself. I’m sure your god appreciates the gesture, but it really does cheapen you and Him when you talk like that.”

“… I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. It’s ok. See you tomorrow.”

This was the type of conversation Lot experience for three day in a row, and each time it became more and more clear that converting the people, any people, was not going to be happening anytime soon. Sodom and Gomorrah was not going to be saved. He just wasn’t the preacher that the angels were looking for and that his god wanted him to be. He did want to try to warn the people about the imminent destruction. He knew and loved the people, and could not quietly pack as destruction came nearer and nearer. Lot explained to the girls what was happening. He then instructed them to help their mother to begin packing. He also told them that during their free time they should try to convince their friends to leave town before the end of next week and to stay away for at least five days.

For the next three days Lot spoke out to everyone he saw, pleading with them to leave town for a week. This only caused people to begin avoiding him on the street and thus counter affecting his initial purpose of warning the people. So he had to come up with a new way to motivate people to get out of the city. At the same time, Abigail started to realize that if her home was going to be destroyed along with all of their friends, her life was going to forever change. This realization got her started on inviting her closest friends to the house to bribe them some of her favorite household items if they promised to leave town for two weeks.

At the end of the week, Lot had converted no one nor convinced anyone to leave. Abigail had succeeded in getting two of her closest friends to promise to leave with their family on the day before dooms day and come back 2 days after the destruction. As for the girls, well things got a little tricky there. Sure they were young, but it didn’t help that the girls were teenagers and the fact that their bodies were changing as well as their emotional and physical wants. These wants mostly ended up migrating towards their reproductive organs as opposed to their brains, and the let’s just say that the visit from the angels did not help a lot in this regard. The angel pheromones actually awakened some fairly intense desires that dealt with a number of the boy callers the girls had in town. Both girls decided to head out and use their little awakening to entice some of the cuter boys, and girls, to get out of Sodom and Gomorrah for the next week.

Another problem with being young and trying to get people to do what you want using sex is that the promise of it is much more motivating than the gift of it with the expectation that the promise will be kept. Meaning, telling someone that you will have sex with them when they return from leaving town for a week works much better than giving someone sex and then telling them to leave town for a week. They have already gotten the reward. There is not a lot of motivation to keep the promise. With the 17 boys and 13 girls that the two (combined) gave sex to as an incentive for them to promise to leave town for a week, only 2 boys and 7 girls actually kept their promise. Had the girls promised to have sex with them when they returned after D-day, I believe 87 boys would have been saved and 43 girls.

I suppose that since I brought up the male/female thing in Sodom and Gomorrah, I should probably point out a few things. Before I do, I need to clarify that there are predominantly three types of Christians on the Earth. First are the “the bible is fact” anti-Christian Christians. These are the ones who read their bible religiously, and think everything they need to know about life and living is in that book. And that the book is infallible and 100% fact. They also seem to be the most hateful and judgmental group of self proclaimed Christians on the planet.

Second are the semi-religious, fractionally fundamentalist Christians. These people may or may not read the bible or go to church, but believe in it because their parents said too. They do share some of the fundamentalist hate on certain items, but are commonly not openly or overly in your face about it unless someone is telling them to be.

Then there is the third group. They are the philosophical Christian where the bible a tool that teaches by metaphor and is not a factual and historically reliable document. This is where your evolution believing Christians come from. They believe in Carl and may or may not go to church, but think that as far as deity goes Carl was a good lad and agree with his view that people need to be nice to one another.

For the “the bible is fact” Christians, Sodom and Gomorrah is one of the end all be all of evil places because it was a place that openly accepted and practiced homosexuality. The problem with “the bible is fact” Christians is that when it comes to this topic, there is no mental effort used when looking at the truth about homosexuality. The topic is usually discussed in terms of fear, hate, or poor parenting, or a combination of the three.

Perhaps some of them are afraid of their own sexual preference and have been taught to hate it and be afraid of people finding out about it. The main problem with this issue lies in those people that look as the bible as an infallible book written by Pops and Carl, only nothing in the book was actually written by Carl himself, or Pops for that matter. The bible is a collection of other people’s stories, most of which start out with, “Guess what I heard.” It has some good lessons in it, it does. But, it does have a lot of bad lessons as well.

As for homosexuality, is it evil and a sin in the eyes of god? No. Honestly Pops doesn’t give a shit. He never has. He never will. Besides, Mom would leave Him if He ever tried to disown any of His children for anything as unimportant as sexual preference. It’s just not important in heaven, let’s hope that someday it’s not important on Earth.

So back to Sodom and Gomorrah, as the first week ended there were a few friends that Lot’s family had been able to ensure their safety. Lot decided the best thing for him to do to get more people out of town was to bribe them using his ability as a renowned artist. He started talking to heads of households about his desire to produce a mural in a home, but that he wanted everyone in the house to leave town for a week while he painted it. He required that even the servants had to leave, telling them he could not be disturbed no one could be in the house until the mural was completed.

This plan worked quite well, he was able to get 100 households and 37 businesses owners and employees out of town before D-day, which equated to about 2763 people that he was able to save. Because the family had been so busy trying to get people out of town, they had missed their meeting with the angels concerning their progress. This left the angels with no information to report on. This resulted in them making things up, to try to buy a little more time. It didn’t work, in fact since there was no proof of progression Pops decided to start the destruction at 6 AM, instead of just before noon.

*Sex sells. It has always sold, and it will always sell. If the king was going to foot the bill for a collection of holy books, he needed something that he could enjoy that would make the book worth reading. Sex, nudity, and murder, the bible was an easy sell once all those subjects were included a few of the story lines.

The only thing I enjoy about the story as it is now is that it is one of the few stories that happens to end so innately and uncomfortably wrong that all you are left with is the impulse to say, “Whaaaaaa?” shake your head from side to side for about twenty minutes and then go take scalding hot bath in hopes it will burn away some of the feeling you are left with. I’m not sure why I appreciate that, I just do. I think it has to do with the progression of society as a whole. Showing us that there are some things that, no matter how far we’ve come along seem to be just plain wrong and that there could have never been a time in history that that would be considered ok. I think I may be getting a little bit ahead of myself here. Let’s pick up where we left off, with Lot.

After being promoted by Abraham and sent from Egypt to fend for himself, Lot took up residence in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was due to a number of internal conflicts, as a self proclaimed artist Lot had learned from legit artists that the best nude paintings and models came from Sodom and Gomorrah. But as a religious man, and filled with righteousness reliance, he knew his eternal place in history would forever be made if he could bring the people of the city to follow the Lord.

After arriving in Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot began and preaching to the people. After a week Lot had received 1 dinner invitation, 6 threats on his life, 13 tomatoes thrown at him, 27 offers to have someone buy him a drink, 112 copper pieces worth of donations, 1 gold ring to shut up, 1487 propositions for some sort of sexual exchange, and finally more pinches on his tush than he would ever care to count. Apparently the people found preachers to be very exciting and desirable. After that week, Lot decided that leading by example might be a better way to approach the people about God.

He got a job working as a waste distribution manager* at one of the inns in town. It wasn’t a great job, but it was an honest job and he took some pride in that. He also was able to get to know a lot of the locals this way. Eventually he purchased a place in town with some of the cash he had leftover from his exploits in Egypt. He turned a portion of his place into a soup kitchen so the homeless could get a free meal. As the people would eat, Lot would give a sermon and end it by inviting people to attend services on Saturdays. Not a lot of people were interested in what he had to say, but he did get an occasional thank you for feeding the hungry. Lot adopted a “live and let live” lifestyle that seemed to work very well for him during this time, and all those who came across Lot felt the same way about him.

*He shoveled camel shit.

He was known as the holy man in town, and no one really had any problems with him. He was kind of cute, so he was a source of fantasy for a good portion of the men and women in town, but out of respect, left him alone to do his good and preach his message in his house. He even started painting again. Strictly landscapes, but it was another way for him to offer some beauty to the world. Oddly enough, because of his lack of artistic training and new subject matter, Lot had a style that was very much his own, much like his place in Sodom and Gomorrah. Eventually he gave up his waste management position to begin painting more so he could meet all the orders for his work.

Lot met his wife about seven years after he moved to Sodom and Gomorrah. She was a bit younger than he was. They met at one of his art shows. She was a new and searching artist, and wanted to know how Lot found his style and inspiration. Being young and impressionable, she fell deeply infatuated with Lot right away. She was fascinated with how he treated others. His live and let live philosophy, and his desire to bring some goodness into the world, even if that goodness was limited to his own existence.

Ok, now about Lots wife. It’s really not that big of a deal, but is has to do with every reference to her in your bible. I’ve noticed that in your book this woman has no individual identity. She is always referred to as Lot’s wife and that’s it. Personally I find that a little sexist, but then again it’s the bible and if there is one thing that the bible does well, it’s being sexist towards women.

Lot’s wife was named Abigail. Once she learned about Lot’s soup kitchen, she pretty much moved in full time. She took comfort in Lot’s teachings and philosophy on life. Eventually, Lot began to notice Abigail. It started as small talk about painting. Through the next few months the small talk evolved into discussions about life. They became a couple without really trying. It just happened. Eventually Lot and Abigail were married, due to Lot’s religious convictions of abstinence until marriage. And like most religious people who share this notion, they fooled around with one another until they got as close to coitus as you possibly can without calling it coitus, and then they got married really fast so they could fulfill the throbbing desire to experience what sporting advocates generally refer to as scoring. And so they did, repeatedly, until Lot found himself with two small girls approximately ten months apart, Annabelle and Sally. Abigail and Lot continued to preach on Saturdays and kept the poor fed on the weekdays, with the occasional art show and commission on the weekends. And for about 17 years that’s how life went for Lot and his family. It was a good life. The only concern they really had at that point was keeping their two girls away from the type of locals that had no scruples about whom or what propositioned.

It was about this time that the Pops got a bug up His ass to wreak havoc on all of the non-followers/believers living in His designated domain. What started Pops whole death to all infidels’ campaign? Pop’s was doing fine for a few years. The whole scuba diving thing kept Him away so that people could live their life unhassled. Then He lost interest, as he always does, and fell into a fit of boredom. There was no internet yet to keep Him distracted from work. He did try a few alternatives. He became infatuated with for a bit to help with His boredom. I think He had mono, but no one was listening to me at that time.

Mom was busy doing her own thing, so she commonly left the old codger alone. A funny thing about Mom, she always has Her own thing going on. If I remember correctly She was busy on tour teaching safe sex classes at community colleges. She’s always enjoyed teaching. In fact I think She stayed on for a number of years as a volunteer teacher at one of the local colleges close to home. She eventually started Her own text book company that is still doing very, very well.

While in His fit of boredom Pops started going through all His accomplishment in the past 2000 years. It was kind of like a mid-life crisis only there was no mid-life aspect involved. He decided to validate His accomplishments by comparing His followers’ accomplishments and praise to Him against the accomplishments and praise of the followers of rival gods. He put on a disguise and started roaming the Earth in regions that were not assigned to His followers. Most places had a lot of good things to say about their deity, and held them in a level or respect and adoration. He also learned that usually when the people started to slide in their devotion to their god, some sort of event would occur to help remind the people that their god watches over them and expects love and devotion in any reference to him. Pops found all of this very enlightening and eventually headed back to His own land to compare His success verses the other gods.

It was sheer dumb luck that Pop’s decided to visit Sodom and Gomorrah first. It was a border city and was the closest city in His land from where He was walking from. Because Sodom and Gomorrah was a border city it was a melting pot of different beliefs and cultures. The city had adapted and learned to cater to all types of people, while keeping its provincial treatment of others to a bare minimum. It also happened to be dumb luck that I was hanging out in town at one of the taverns when the old codger came into town.

As Pops started talking to “His people” no one seemed to have heard of the god He was asking questions about. This didn’t help the accomplishment crisis Pops was experiencing. So He became a little more intense about His questioning. My guess is that He completely forgot He was in disguise. As Pops was questioning people about their faith, He was told over and over again that what He was doing was not socially acceptable and considered to be quite rude, unless, of course, He was in the “religious chat section” of town. Pops, being proud by social status, refused to follow any of man’s social rules and laughed at these people for telling Him that He was being rude. He was God, therefore it was impossible for Him to be rude. Pops started to stick out because of this. The people of the city had put the word out on Pops and people began going out of their way to treat Him rather poorly.

This poor treatment started to get on Pops nerves. He had decided to take a break, get some lunch and then leave town to find a different town to see if it was a worthless as Sodom and Gomorrah. All I can say about what happened next is that Loki, you’re a bastard! Out of all the pubs Pops could have entered throughout all of Sodom and Gomorrah get a Ham on rye and then go on His way, He just so happened to walk into the bar I standing in laughing and happy and telling jokes to the patrons. Pops saw me being welcomed and accepted by “His people” in His city and He was being shunned. The bloke just sort of snapped. The role reversal was not something he would not tolerate. He left the Earth and headed back to the office in a sound of a thunderclap. He was pissed, and not in the good way. He had made up His mind to do some rezoning via His patented sulfur and brimstone form of construction.

Translation: Something amiss, three weeks, fix it.

Twelve drinks and the next morning later, I found myself on my back at Abe’s place. It took about three hours to actually get to my feet, but it wasn’t all for reasons you might think. I had to be good guest and Abe was kind enough to make sure I had a nice brunch once I got up. It took three hours because initially chewing food hurt a lot so I had to chew really slowly. Once I did finally get up I noticed that there was a different energy in the air than what had previously been there. I think the people around the house were referring to this as a sense of hope. Everyone I came across appeared more relaxed than I had seen them the last two times I had visited. When I saw Abe and Sarah, they both rushed to meet me. Sarah wrapped her arms around me and gave me a warm kiss on the cheek. Then Abraham wrapped his arms around me and Sarah hugging and gave me a warmer kiss on my other cheek*.

(*Awkward? A little, but only because the kiss lasted for about four seconds longer than I was normally use to at that point in my life.)

“So…where’s the kid?”

Abraham and Sarah finally let go of me and took a step back, both smiling profusely. “It’s just wonderful, thank you so much.” started Sarah.

“What?”

“Sarah and I have no idea how you did it, but to get the Lord to give us the ok to eradicate our obstinate son, we cannot thank you enough.”

“Where’s the kid?” I asked again, starting to get a little nervous. I was starting to grasp why Mike needed me back here. Turned out he was still around, just a little indisposed of. Abraham had a brilliant idea that to make the offering that much more appeasing to the Lord, and not to mention more flammable, they had started marinating the boy in wine. The kid had passed out after about an hour of soaking in the stuff. Apparently hey had no concept that the alcohol could still enter Isaac’s blood stream simply by soaking in it. To be honest, it really was a waste of a perfectly good vino, but at least the little bastard was not terrorizing everyone. So I guess it was not a total waste.

Abraham and Sarah understood perfectly what their God had asked them and they were looking forward to it. I had not anticipated that. I imagined a little remorse or discontent, but not planning a celebratory party that the whole damn village was invited to. I’ve never met two parents that were so gleeful about the prospect of doing their Gods will when it encompassed offing their offspring. I had to do something to bring them back to reality.

“Not to put a damper on things, but we do need to remember who gave this order.” I told them.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s not really the most reliable sort… I mean He has been known to change His mind from time to time, depending on His mood.”

“Think we should kill him now then and then apologize the next time He stops by?” offered Abe.
“Good idea honey, I’ll go get the fire started.” added Sarah.

“Now just on a minute there!” I needed to come up with something fast. “Would you be happier with a deceased child or would you enjoy the victory reforming your child to be a righteous child the rest of your and his life?”

They both seemed a little intrigued by this suggestion. I pointed out that the boy should be informed that he had brought on him the wrath of the Lord and for his bad behavior doom was heading his way. Also, if he tried to dismiss it by saying he was blessed, his parents could point out that he had to earn the Lords blessings, and that it was possible to lose those them as well.

Personally, I thought it was a pretty good deflection and it seemed to work. Abraham and Sarah started to talk about possible ways of terrorizing the child into righteousness, and if it didn’t work they could kill him anyway. This did buy me their solemn promise that they would not kill Isaac until the specified time the Lord commanded. Mike and I had our three weeks. Now I needed to get a hold of Mike and make sure the old man would show up to save the kid. Otherwise, he was a goner.

I mean yeah, the kid was a pretty worthless, but commonly when you run into horrible kids it’s because you have horrible parents. It’s like sitting in a public café and just as your meal gets placed in front of you a little kid two tables down begins screaming and the parents just ignore the little bastard. Then on top of that they just start talking over the screaming. Is that a horrible child? Yes, but it’s because the parents are even more horrible than the kid.

Isaac could have been an ok kid if Abraham and Sarah had given enough of a damn to discipline the kid, even a little. It’s that whole govern by love mentality that makes the worst parents. Governing by love mean the kid is going to be a spoiled little shit, and the truth is it’s the parents fault. Instead of encouraging Isaac that he was a blessed child by God they should have tried instilling basic human decency in him. You know the simple universals like treating others with the same disposition you would like them to interact with you**. And being the bad parents they were, Abraham and Sarah were all for resorting to terrorizing the kid in the same sort of manner he has terrorized them. Sure, in my opinion they all needed professional help, but when I actually stopped and thought about it I realized something. They were all assholes and I honestly think they deserved the child they got. I even started feeling a little bad for the kid. Don’t get me wrong, I still hated him, but I did feel sorry for him. Sure, deep down I was a little happy that they were finally going to give him a little bit of the hell he put them though. But, as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes the only way to teach some personalities a lesson is to do it the hard way.

(**The only area where this rule is not universal is at singles bars or any place where one is trying to pick up on another individual. There is a totally different set of decency rules involved in those types of scenarios.)

When Mike and I finally got back together to discuss two weeks had already gone by. I explained what was going on and the importance that Pops showing up on time to stop the whole mess. Mike seemed a little concerned, “Do we have a back up plan?”

“He’s still out swimming around isn’t He?”

“…well.”

“You know where right?”

“Of course! I mean I did, err do… He seems to have extended His trip, but failed to relay His current location.” explained Mike.

“Ahhh bugger.”

“Technically, this is your fault.”

“How?”

“Whose idea was this again?”

“Well, whose boss has the mental attention span of a drunken frat boy in attempting to read the articles a smutty magazine?” I asked.

“Harsh.”

“And deserved!” The discussion paused for a moment while we both wracked our brains trying to think of something. “Ok fine,” I said, “He’s probably not going to make it, so we better stick close and when the time comes keep Abraham from offing his kid.”

“You think we should stop him then?”

“You know how these earthlings are. If this happens, soon human child sacrifice is going to become the newest craze. We need to save Isaac so we can save generations of children who are going to end up follow your boss.”

“Good god.” said Mike, “You’re absolutely right.”

“I know.”

“Your plans suck.”

“Not my fault Mike, it’s a design flaw.”

“Meaning?”

I explained that Pops made these people with a pretty impressive brain, but also made them incredibly gullible with a strong urge to fit in. I mean sure they can think, they just aren’t that good at it, and based on that I considered our current situation more Pops fault than mine***.”

(*** Mike knew I was right, and when that happens, he usually just changes the subject.)

“I hate you Roy… so what’s the plan?”

We both agreed that we could not reply on Pops to follow through on this one and had to make sure we were close enough to keep the kid from getting sliced, cooked, and buried. I was hoping that Isaac and his parents might actually develop some sort of rapport by spending some time together and that Abraham’s basic paternal instincts might surface enough to keep him from killing the boy. Still, that was a bit of a long shot so Mike and I had to keep close, just in case.

When the day finally arrived Mike had received word that no word from Pops had been received. Despite the high risk of being caught working together Mike and I were ready. Mike thought it best to keep disguised incase angelic influence was required. It would look a little more divine that way. I did appreciate Abraham and Sarah’s attempts at terrorizing the kid into being good. It meant they were at least trying. It occasionally worked too. Isaac was a touch baffled at the sudden interaction his parents, but the sudden strain of not having total rule and control over them was a bit difficult for him to comprehend. This resulted in him fighting the urge to do what they asked.

On the morning of “sacrifice day” Isaac managed to start the day off pissing off his old man. Every time the kid reverted to his old self, Abraham would go up into the mountains and work on the sacrificial alter. Upon getting pissed that morning, it took Abe about thirty minutes to walk to the alter. It took about 5 second to place the last brick on the alter thus completing it. Yes, apparently he has built the whole thing except the placement of the last brick. Another thirty minute walk and he was back at the house to get the boy.

It took about another thirty minutes to find Isaac, which only encouraged Abe all the more to kill the kid. After he was found Abe tied a rope around this kids waist so he couldn’t get away and began heading back to the alter. Sarah simply waved goodbye and started to get things ready for the party that night. I believe both she and Abe felt they had honestly given it an effort, but in the end it was what the Lord wanted, and if the offering pleased the Lord enough, they might just get a better son next time around.

I had hoped that the walk back would get Abraham a little sentimental. Isaac had been quiet for almost twenty minutes, and the silence began to smooth Abe’s mind. But with only ten minutes left to walk Isaac began getting chatty. Isaac was angry that they had been walking so long without a break. He was angry that he had not been given any treats to eat on the way. He angry because he hand not had a drink the whole time and was thirsty. Then he added, “Dad, you’re dumb.”

“Isaac.” warned Abraham.

“Mom’s dumb. This whole hike is dumb. I want to go home. Only a dumb person would walk all the way out here. I’m thirsty, give me a drink.”

Every word he spoke seemed to make Abraham smile wider and wider at the prospect that soon he would be cooking this hemorrhoid of a child in honor to his god.

Mike and I were already hiding behind some boulders close by as they arrived. Abraham was so upset with Isaac he decided to explain that they boy was about to be sliced open and burnt as an offering to the Lord, and for being a little shit. Michael was dressed as a sheep herder, figuring that it would me feasible if he were noticed. I just made sure I had a mask to cover my face so I would not be recognized.

“I hate you dad. You stop right now and let’s go home. You are so stupid. Why are you even out here?”

“Son…”

“Shut up. Give me a drink. I hate you. I bet mom does too.”

And with that, Abe lost it. “You are the WORST son to ever live! You know that? You are a worthless little shit! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE HATES YOU!”

Mike and I were on our feet and running towards Abraham.

“No one wants you! No one loves you! God even hates you! He hates you so much He wants me to kill you, burn you and spit on your ashes!”

Isaac was petrified, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, and when he saw Abraham pull the dagger from his coat and rush towards him all he could do is scream, close his eyes, fall down, wet himself, and start crying. By the time I got to the alter Mike was behind Abraham holding down his arms. He was whispering something in Abraham’s ear. It was some holy chant, or something. I’d never heard it before, but I had heard about it. It soothes the soul, and that is exactly what it was doing for Abraham. I just stood there, watching a master at work. As soon as Michael let go of Abraham, Abe fell to his knees and started praying out loud. Isaac was still crying.

Mike picked up the boy and began whispering in his ear as well. The boy started to calm down and as soon as Mike let go of the boy, Isaac walked over to his father and gave him a hug. The moment was almost serene. Mike tugged at my arm and we ducked out of sight. Then as your book describes, there was a lamb, blah, blah, blah, they sacrificed it instead of Isaac, and behold the whole sacrifice thing is taught to the people, blessings to people, end of story.

After that point, Abraham and Isaac seemed to have a bond between them and were renewed in their devotion to Pops and His teachings and laws. Isaac actually became a compassionate individual, deeply devoted to his parents. Yep, it was some sort of holy miracle invoked by God, or something like that.

It was a few years later, but I finally asked Mike what he had said to them that ignited the change in both of them. All he said is that sometimes the brain is unwilling to feel. Sometime a mind needs to be talked to in a way so that it feels what is being said instead of hearing what it being said. When I mind is opened to feelings sometimes it can change in an instance, and sometimes that change can save a life.

I thought that was sweet, not sure I buy it, but whatever he did and said changed that family forever. It was a little touching, so much in fact that I decided to leave and let Pops people do a little of their own evolving. The feeling didn’t last very long, but I swear I did try. I tried the whole time I was hanging out in Sodom and Gomorrah, which I had nothing to do with. In fact, I refused to interfere with that one all together… well, mostly.

“Lord?”

“Mike, good to see you, I just got back. I’ll be heading out again tomorrow, I heard that there are some prime scuba worlds that Poseidon made about 13,000 millennia ago and maybe only a thousand or so people have visited this area in that time. I can’t wait. How are things at the office*?” (*The important thing to understand is that during those moments when Pops is away, he leaves the functions of His divinity up to His angles and such. Well, you know how it is at work on the day that the boss does not come in? Yeah, it’s a lot like that. I mean people still show up, but lunch lasts anywhere from 2 or 3 hours, or everyone pretty much goes home at noon, but clocks in for a full day.)

“Well you see Lord, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. We seem to have a little bit of a situation with your current prophet Abraham.”

“Who?”

“Abram…Saria…Hagar.”

“Ahhhh…well what is the problem? Is this something you can take are of or is this something that is going to require an appearance?”

“Well I was thinking, it’s been a while since you’ve made an appearance and this one might make it worth your while.”

“How do you mean?”

Mike proceeded to tell Pops about Abram and his predicament, and suggested that Pops might want to use this situation to instill some form of devotion based worship ritual that followers could be given, which would cause them to be more faithful. Like the “offering” ritual that Pops brought up at a brainstorming meeting a few years back.

The problem with trying to incorporate brainstorming in the same room as Pops is that the inevitable outcome always resulted with everyone in the room keeping quiet until Pops suggested something and everyone else would exclaim what a brilliant idea it was. These meetings eventually became dubbed as the BSK meetings. Pops never asked what it meant, you know, since He was all knowing. He just figured it meant Brainstorming for Service and Kindness, but in reality, it actually meant Butter, Spread, and Kiss.

Pops tried to stay focused on the many, many words Mike was saying, but with all His new scuba equipment right in front of him, staring at him, pleading with him, taunting him, begging him to listen, look, touch, smell, and taste them, He really only heard the first 6 words Mike spoke. With this impassable distraction winning, Pop eventually caved. When Mike looked up from his written proposal, Pops froze, realizing that He had one arm in a new wet suit, goggles around His neck and a small portion on one of His new flippers in His mouth. Mike, being the professional he was, just stared. Eventually Pops slowly took the flipper out of His mouth, put it down and asked, “So to recap?”

“Sir… go talk to Abraham and tell him to sacrifice his son.”

“But Hagar said…”

“This is going to be the joke sir.” said Mike.

“Ohhh, so he’s not really going to kill him?”

“No sir.”

“Whew, ok go on.”

Mike continued, “Tell him that the sacrifice if in honor of you and must be done to praise you. He needs to teach your people about this new law.”

“What are they sacrificing to me?” asked Pops.

“Out of worship and faithfulness, they will burn their offerings to you.”

“Kind of a waste isn’t it? Couldn’t I just keep the offerings? I don’t know, maybe have a picnic or something?”

Mike showed him the numbers, “This is a conservative estimate of how much you will accumulate in the first year alone after we establish this law.”

“Make it a picnic a month then.”

Mike then showed him an estimate of the amount total offerings over a 5, 10, 20, and 50 year period including population growth and converts.

“I see your point, plus we’d get bloody sick of picnics at that point. But burning?”

“Sir, think of the message it sends to the others on the planet and their gods. You are so loved and your people are so blessed that they can give the very best of what they have and simply destroy it in honor and devotion to you. You are so great that you do not need these rewards, so they are burnt.”

“Now that’s good. Whoever came up with that, send them a nice fruit basket. They’ve earned it*.” (*To be honest, I was a little surprised to be given a huge fruit basket the next time Mike and I met.)

“Yes sir.” said Mike.

“Ok, so I get to show my friends how much I’m loved by my people and I get to play a joke on that Ab…Abe fellow?

“That’s it sir.” repeated Mike.

“So what do I have to do again?”

Mike felt he finally had Pops full attention and began going over the basic dialogue that Pops would need to use when talking to Abraham. He also explained that after Pop’s was done, that He should tell Abraham that Isaac would need to be sacrificed in 3 weeks time on the last day of the third week. Then as Abraham is about to kill Isaac, Pops would shows up and says it was all a just a test. But recommending to Isaac to be a good son and faithful follower or Pops would be back. Then Abraham and Isaac would sacrifice something else in Isaac’s place and have them begin sharing the sacrifice ritual to all the followers.

“What do I do during those three weeks then?” asked Pops.

“I recommend trying out your new gear.”

“Mike, you are a genius, get yourself a fruit basket too.”

“Thank you sir. You can get back to your flipper licking now if you’d like sir*. I’ll tell the others you will be visiting Earth tomorrow.” (*Mike has a way of pointing out the dumb things Pops would do but has this gift of having it come out as non offensive. It’s his way of saying “I saw what you did, but don’t worry, I won’t say anything,” except when he did.)

And that was it, everything was set in motion. I got a message that afternoon and headed over to Abram to tell him that he would be getting a visit from the big man soon. Although Abe was not as excited as I thought he’d be. Things with Isaac had only gotten worse, and the light in which he spoke about his kid was, well, offensive really. Not to the kid, but to me. Abraham actually had the audacity to say, “I think that boy is possessed by the devil.” How rude!

First off, I do not possess people. Never have, never will. I find the whole idea cheap and sleazy. First, you have to be of a certain disposition to be open to possession. Essentially you have to lack character and mental fortitude, in short, not a strong self thinker. Then there’s my side of it. Contrary to popular belief I am not so unable that I can’t do things for myself. Besides, if you want to have someone do something for you that they might not normally do, usually offer them gold, or ask them while they’re drink and it usually gets done.

Another point I’d like to bring up is, I mean I know it’s nothing I’ve done, but I’ve gotten a lot of poorly researched press over the years by Pops followers and now I always seem to get pinned for anything that goes wrong or bad in the world that deals with others actions. Here’s what I mean, throughout my time on Earth when dealing with Pops followers, if someone is different, a different color, speaks a different language, eats a different food, or behaves a different way, they are linked to evil and are labeled “tainted by Roy’s influence”, well the Satan’s influence anyway. So the people who are writing these things down make these claims that these different people are possessed by yours truly, and because it is written down it is therefore true. Some people even started using me as an excuse to get away with doing things they’d always wanted to, but knew was not allowed, using the excuse of, “The devil made me do it.” as a court room used excuse for horrible crimes against other people, killing innocent people for one.

What truly irks me about this whole thing is that, in your book, Pops can have a minor mood swing and wipe out an entire city or civilization and its ok. Even today there is the occasional Carl extremist who, if a hurricane violates Florida and kills thousands of people, exclaims the act was Gods will and part of His plan. Sometimes they’ll even add that God did it to punish the evil (even though 99% or more of the people killed were good people). I mean what the hell? Dumb ass crazy extremist Carl freaks.

It is getting a bit better though. Mainstream belief no longer kills people for giving a scientific reason for a sunny day instead of agreeing that it’s only sunny because God wanted it that way. I mean back in the day God could save a puppy from certain death and then turn around in that same instance and genocide the entire civilization that was going to kill the puppy and it’s a righteous and good thing. But I offer my brother some bread so he can turn his cooked fish into a sandwich and I’m an evil tempting asshole. Christians are weird. Seriously, it makes absolutely not sense at all. Sorry about that, got myself off on a little tangent there. I’m normally much better at dealing with this issue… normally.

Anyway, when Abraham suggested that his horrible child could possible be one of my spawns it was still a fairly sensitive subject for me. I almost popped him in the mouth, actually I would have if the kid had not come running in the room with a mouth full of goat’s milk. He spit it all over Abe and me and ran out of the room laughing.

“Want to rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to kill the kid?” I asked Abraham.

“God, I wish.”

I almost told him he didn’t need to wish much longer, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Instead I just informed him that Pops would be arriving within the next few days to help assist in the situation and to do a little PR work while He was visiting earth. Abraham took me hand and in the sincerest voice I’ve ever seen that boy say anything, thanked me for helping him.

I left with a feeling of accomplishment, like I had done a good thing, this was only amplified when, as I left the camp, I noticed Isaac trying to sneak up on me with another mouthful of milk, it was only a small pebble, but I nailed that little bastard right in the throat, causing him to spit out the milk all over himself. I would have like to stick around to see how the meeting with Pops went, but I had no desire to stick around with that little monster shrieking to everyone in the camp. Besides if Pops caught me in the area, I knew more than just myself that would get in trouble, and I would never risk getting Mike in any trouble, well with Pops that is.

Mike assisted Pops in His little visit, and was kind enough to relay what happened during the visit. Pops made sure that most of the people were away from the house when He showed up. See, Pops was still focusing on scuba diving and knew that the more people that were there the longer He would be. This also explained why there was only one bugle boy and not the full 37* piece trumpeted solute for His arrival. (*Originally Pops had set up a 50 piece horn section for whenever He went anywhere, but as time progressed and the horn section became more and more aware that Pops really didn’t have that good of an ear for music. They eventually set up a system where 37 of the 50 would attend Pops grand visits. At 37 there still seemed like enough people to equal 50 and the sound was strong enough that Pops never questioned it. And the system pretty much equaled for every two gigs you played, you got the next one off. Everyone agreed that this system covered everyone’s needs in a positive and respectful manner.) Isaac seemed to be the only one to notice that Pops had shown up. Abraham was taking a nap, sort of…a sort of forced nap I guess you could say. The Isaac’s irreproachable behavior assisted Abraham in choosing to partake the occasional fermented grape consumption to help ease his nerves and to delude his senses to the point that he could ignore the kid, or at the very least pass out for a period of time so that didn’t have to acknowledge the kids existence during that time. So there stood God, being eyed down by the first born offspring of His esteemed prophet.

“And who are you little boy?” asked Pops.

“Who are you?” asked Isaac.

“I am your God.” Pops responded.

“If you were my god you’d know who I am.”

Pops was a little startled by this abrasive personality in His own land, “My boy…” He started.

“Hey give me your trumpet.” interrupted Isaac.

“Excuse me?”

“I heard it just before you showed you, I want it. Give to me.”

“Well it belongs to Earl, and …” explained Pops.

“I SAID I WANT IT!” screamed Isaac.

Pops looked around for a second, expecting someone… anyone to show up to see what all the screaming was about. The camp remained calm and unaffected.

“NOW! NOW! NOW!” Isaac continued.

“Jesus Mike…” Pops turned to Michael, “who is this kid?”

“This is Abraham’s son.” said Mike.

“Yikes.”

“Precisely, my Lord.”

“You sure we can’t just let his father go through with it?” asked Pops.

“Positive Lord.”

“Damn shame.”

Mike nodded in agreement.

“Boy!” said Pops, raising His voice a little and turning back to Isaac, “Go get your father.”

“Get him yourself dummy head!” and off Isaac went, laughing at Pops and calling Him a collection of equally abusive names that ended with head.”

“What a vile little cuss.” commended Pops.

“Yes lord.”

“Why don’t they just dispatch him and start over?”

“That’s kind of the plan lord.”

“Oh right. Hush, hush. Well said Mike.” adding in a slightly lower tone, “So…any ideas?”

“Scuba at two Lord, we must get going on this so you don’t miss the tide.”

“Quite right.” The little reminder was all Pops needed. He was all business now. He walked into the Abraham’s home finding Abe passed out on the couch.

“Ahem.” Pops tried.

There was no response, and from the look of it, it didn’t look like he’d be moving anytime soon.

“Psst, Abraham, wakey wakey. It’s the Lord your God here to see you.” tried Pops, a little louder this time. Still nothing.

“Mike, what are we going to do? I’m gonna miss high tide. Can you handle this and I can head out now?”

“Try a little water lord.”

“I’m really not thirsty.”

“On him.” explained Mike.

“Right!” said Pops, and started looking around for some water. Have the initial survey produce no viable options, He looked around to make sure no one else was around and leaned closer to Abraham.

“Don’t spit on him.”

“Well where am I suppose to get wat…” retorted Pops in an attempt to defend Himself.

Mike picked up a jug filled with wine that was sitting next to the couch and handed it to Pops.

Pops looked at the jug, then looked at Michael, “Just keeping you on your toes.” He winked at Michael. “It’s not water though.”

“Not much of a challenge for you though.” suggested Mike.

“Dually noted.” said Pops as He changed the wine to water. He then looked at Mike, looking rather pleased with His wine to water skills.

Mike just stared back expressionless. Pops responded with a half smiled and dumped the entire jug on Abraham’s head. Abraham screamed as his body attempted to jump away from the water in every possible direction all at once. This enabled him to get about three inches of clearance above any surface that was previously beneath him and then he fell right back in to the same position he had be in letting his undergarments to begin soaking the collecting water his seat use to be. This instinctively pushed Abraham to stand straight up. Assuming that it was the boy Abraham started cursing at the top of his lungs, but stopped after three words because of the incessant pounding pain right behind his eyes. Abraham shut his eyes and kept them tightly squeezed shut. It wasn’t until he heard Pops voice saying, “Hey!” repeatedly that he actually opened his eyes and saw his God standing in front of him, poking him with His finger. Abraham eyes popped open, almost. He felt they were opened wider than they had ever been in his entire life, but based on his current state, they were barely past the half open mark. With the sudden excitement of being face to face with his God, Abraham has forgotten one vital thing, to breath. He realized this as everything started to go black as he passed out, falling back into the water soaked couch.

“My god,” said Pops, “I think I killed him.”

“He’s not dead Lord, he’s still breathing. He probably just passed out due to, shock I suppose.”

Pops just stared at Mike.

“The sudden lack of blood flow to his brain from sitting up so quickly due the strain his body experienced from having water poured on him to wake him up.”

“How do you know things like that?” asked Pops.

Michael paused, “…I read a lot… Lord.”

“Clever.”

A few minutes later, Abraham was back up, saying hello to his God and begging for some aspirin. Knowing that things wouldn’t take much longer to get going, and really not in the mood to be there any longer than he already had, Mike mixed up his special patented hangover remedy*. (* After all there years, no matter what I have offered, Mike still refuses to give me the ingredients of this hangover remedy. But I can attest to its worth and it ability to always work. It tastes like peaches and that’s all I can tell you for sure.) Five minutes later Abraham was feeling fine and chatting up a storm. Most of it consisted of complaints concerning his first born, which reminded Pops that He had a schedule to keep and needed to get right down to business. As He had rehearsed with Michael, He explained the current problems with the followers, their waning belief, and how they needed something to strengthen them. The people needed something that would bring rewards on them and their family. They needed to be taught about the power sacrifice and offerings to the Lord. Then He talked about the importance of example and how Abraham needed to be that example. Abraham just nodded in agreement. Pops discussed the concept behind the sacrifice and how the very best was suppose to be given to the Lord. Pops then gave Abraham the prayer that needed to be said during these offerings and how the instructions for how offering should be offered, giving some random explanation about symbolism and someone who was yet to come, blah, blah, blah greatest sacrifice, blah, blah, the end.

“Ok…so the sacrifice needs to have blood and then after it’s killed, it needs to be burnt?” clarified Abraham.

“Precisely.”

“Oh so you want me to get a cow or something and sacrifice it now?” Abraham ventured.
“No Abra… Abe um.”

Michael leaned over and whispered something in Pops ear. “Abraham. Oh course, good man. No Aber…”

“Ham Lord.” helped Abraham.

Pops looked at Michael, “Man says his name is Ham. Not sure where you’re getting this Albert business.”

Abraham looked at Michael about to correct Pops again, but Mike gave him a very subtle no shake of the head. Abraham nodded. Pops continued, “I have a special task for Ham, to show your devotion to your god, well me, I guess. I need you to make the ultimate sacrifice, which is… are you ready for this?”

“I guess.”

“Your first born son!” thundered Pops, as a single solitary bugle played a c sharp somewhere in the distance.

Abe began to cry. Pops felt He understood Abe’s emotions and attempted to offer some condolences, “I understand what you are feeling Ham, but please understand…”

“Oh thank you! Thank you God.” interrupted Abraham. His tears now accompanied by smiles, a glow of happiness, and a barrage of hugs.

Pops flashed Michael a look of confusion. Even Michael was a little surprised by Abe’s reaction. It wasn’t until Abraham started looking for a knife and calling for his son to come to him, Mike knew Abe needed a few guidelines to follow.

“There is one stipulation though,” Michael started, “there is a time frame.” He could see the joy start to drain from Abraham.

“How much time?” queried Abraham, lovingly cradling his dagger.

“Well since we do not condone gluttony…” Michael looked over at Pops, who just stood as His mind ran over the conversation He just had with Ham, trying to see what He said that would cause the man to behave this way.

“… the sacrifices are on a quarterly basis. So the beginning of the next quarter is when you will need to make your sacrifice.” finished Michael.

“Amen.” added Pops.

“So when exactly can I kill the kid?” asked Abraham.

Pops eyes got really big and something deep inside Him tried to tell Him that maybe this was not the best idea, but it was quickly replaced by a distant bugle reminding Pops that He needed to get going before He lost high tide.

“We’ve got to go Mike. Come on.”

“But when?” Abraham asked again.

“It will be the Sabbath after the first full moon and then every Sabbath after the forth full moon after that.”

“I don’t have that many kids.” said Mike, doing some math in his head.

“Mike!”

“Only the first one.” said Michael, now being dragged away by Pops. “The rest are as the Lord discussed.”

“Oh that’s right the goats and things.”

“Mike! We gotta go!”

“Tell your followers of this new law.” Mike yelled to Abraham. “And remember you are the only one to sacrifice your son. Your example of faith and obedience to the Lord will be a testimony to all for ages to come.”

“Thank you Lord… and Lord’s friend… and little guy with the horn.” Abraham yelled back, waving goodbye.

And off went Pops, Michael, and the bugle boy. The bugle boy had been keeping an eye on Pops travel luggage. That way He could leave for the Earth and would have to go back home to get His things. Pops grabbed His bags and headed off.

“You have to be back in three weeks.” Michael yelled to Pops.

“Yeah, yeah, three weeks, see you then.” and the old codger was gone.

As Mike and the bugle boy headed back to heaven the boy emptied the spit valve on his bugle and asked Mike, “So you think He’ll be back in time?”

“It will be a miracle if He does.” answered Mike. “Go ahead without me, I’ve got to go see someone first. Actually, take the rest of the day off, I’ll see you back at the office tomorrow. Good work today lad.” The bugle boy nodded, smile and was gone.

It really wasn’t until the latter portion of the past millennium that people started catering to the notions that the evil things people did was often times much more interesting to read about than just the good things, case and point… the story of David. His story is full of all sorts of juicy bits of information about his failures as well as his accomplishments. It’s because it made for much more interesting reading and got people more interested in purchasing bible.

With all of this newly added responsibility, Abram did what anyone of the deity believing disposition would do, he passed off his situation to the all powerful claiming, “It’s what the Lord wanted.” Yep, Abram goes through a sexual awakening where he experiences a number of “one on one” spiritual discussions with a large population of fertile Egyptian women and in the end Abram ends up back in his home land telling everyone that god has chosen him to be His prophet, and the proof of this is that his name is now Abraham and not Abram. The only difference being that now instead of a vain wife that is put off by the idea of sex, he has a vain wife with stretch marks who is put off by the idea of having sex with him, because he was “that bastard that knocked her up.”

Sarah’s pregnancy was not the most pleasant of experiences for her. There were a lot of things that went along with pregnancy that no one had told her about, and, quite frankly, she was a little pissed about it. Of course you could not tell her it was hormones. The village doctor told her that once, and, let’s just say, he made sure he always wore a protective cup whenever he made house calls to Abraham’s home after that.

She did, however, promise to god, her family, and “that bastard that knocked her up,” that one pregnancy was enough for her. She even signed an affidavit that “that bastard that knocked her up,” aka Abraham, no mater what he was called, could spill his seed where ever he needed to propagate his lineage, just as long as it wasn’t her womb that did the work. The affidavit also stated that she did get dibs on “that bastard that knocked her up” on the nights that she was feeling frisky and wanted to “Hagar with her honey.” Yes, that’s what she chose to call it. I know it’s tacky, but what can you do, the slang for coitus had not evolved very far at that point and time in the world. And yes, she had learned all about birth control at the time that the affidavit was signed. And just between you and me, had there been a procedure to get her tubes tied at the time, she would have done it twice, just to be sure.

By the time I arrived to see how the years had treated Abraham and Sarah, Isaac was about 10, and let me just say, what a horrible monster of a child. He did have other siblings, but he was the oldest and only son of Sarah, which seemed to only add the kids professional snobbery and spoiled brat personality. My guess is that it was part ego and part genetics. I think this also had to do with the lack of discipline he received from his parents. The kid got it in his head very early on that his parents were important in the little microcosm he grew up in. From that he developed the attitude that he was important too.

Hey, do me a favor, if you happen to be a family that is personally blessed by your God, don’t tell your kids that. It only makes them arrogant little bastards. And to those of you that think or can trace your lineage back to Abram and Saria, and that you are special because of that, just remember that if you take the initials of your specially blessed ancestors they do make up 2/3’s of the word ass, and that’s all that needs to be said about that.

Having it expressed to Isaac, on a daily basis, that he was the result of a promise from god and he would be blessed forever became part of Isaac’s everyday embellishment on himself. Because of this, he thought everyone should follow and worship him. At first, he called his little game, “Playing God.” Then, as time progressed he called it, “Being Me.” When he was told to stop bossing the others around he would say, “I’m just being me.” He never did what he was told and would bad mouth everyone every chance he got, simply because they were not him. Abraham and Sarah called him their special challenge because of what happened in Egypt. Isaac was a reminder of that time, and why they should stay feverishly faithful to the Lord.

When I first arrived to visit Abe, there was a something a little different in his eyes, I think it was hopelessness. Instead of the usually banter I was expecting, he seemed genuinely happy to see me. I experienced the same reaction from Sarah. I was invited into the sitting room of Abraham’s home and there we sat, catching up and laughing about the old days. And then…in it came. It was my first time meeting Isaac, and based just on the feeling that entered the room with him, I hated that kid. No, not dislike, or annoyed by, or ambivalent to, I mean I hated that kid. And seeing how his parents responded when he said, “Mom, Dad, get me a new camel.” I knew there was a problem. When he actually entered the room and saw me the first thing he asked was, “What did you bring me?”

“Huh?”

“Huh. Duh. You’re not very blessed are you? You better have brought me something if you are going to be staying here, or I’ll make my parents throw you out. You look very common. It’s probably a very cheap gift.”

“This is Isaac?”

Both his parents shook their heads disappointingly.

“NOW! Where is it duh man?”

Abraham looked at me with apologetic eyes.

“Well…”

“You are a slow dumb man. Where is it or go and don’t come back until you have one.”

Now normally I’m better than this, but sometimes you just have to go with your first impulse, so I did. “It’s outside, behind my camel. It’s in a small box right behind the cam…” And he was gone. I started talking with Abe and Sarah again, “So…he’s quite a …”

“He has special needs.” Sarah attempted, not really sure why.

“Did you really get him something?” asked Abraham.

“Not really. Well I guess sort of. A lesson, I’m giving him a less…”

A scream pierced the dull mid morning air. Abraham and Sarah looked at each other and then me and jumped up. I just smiled. Then the scream became louder and louder, and into the room came Isaac, with a rather large smear of camel excremental release on the boys head. Abraham and Sarah tried not to laugh, and they were succeeding until Isaac yelled me, “You lied to me and liars go to hell.”

And I responded with, “Well, heaven is no place for shit heads, so I guess your out too.”

And that seemed to do it, Abe and Sarah fell down laughing. Isaac, shocked by their reaction grabbed some of the camel leftovers off his head, threw it at me, hitting my right shoulder and ran out of the room, knocking down everything that would fall over. Sarah ran after him, still giggling a bit, to get him cleaned up and Abe began picking things up and putting them back upright, commenting under his breath, “What a horrible child.”

“You know Abe, I’m usually inclined to disagree with you, but in this case, I’d have to say you nailed that one.”

“I am at my wits end; I don’t know what to do.”

“Are all of your kids that bad?” I asked.

“No, they are great, as far as kids go. But having all the little ones look up to him doesn’t help, and the fact he can command them to do what ever he asks them to, or commands them to. He gets them to revolt if we try to discipline him for misbehaving. He claims the Lord has blessed him and therefore the he does only the Lords will.”

“You tried talking to the old man about this?” I offered, “If I remember right, He’s not to keen on earthlings acting like him.”

“I’ve tried, for the past four years I’ve tried five to six times a day, but nothing. I mean we are well taken care of. We have plenty of rain for our crops and grain for our livestock. He just doesn’t seem to be in the mood for giving me instruction on raising ill behaved kids.”
And without even thinking I added, “Well, He does have a pretty poor batting average when it comes to that. It’s hard to give good advice about something you are personally a failure at.”
“What do you mean?”

I sighed, “Not a damn thing.”

Then the something happened. Something that I never really considered myself to be in a position to do. Abram asked me for help. “I know you might not be on the best of terms with the Lord right now…”

“Or ever.”

“…but I know the two of you know the same people…and I was wondering if you could possibly have one of your friends get a hold of Him and let him know of our situation. And possibly get Him to stop by so I can impart my pleas directly to Him. Could you? Please Roy, please.”

It was very important for Abraham not to fail at raising a family, especially because of his own upbringing. It was the one thing he promised he would not fail at. His greatest fear is that he would turn into the father his real father was, and he refused let that happen. The main reason Isaac was such a monster is that Abram gave the boy everything and requested nothing in return. The boy had never learned to respect his father. He only learned that his father would do anything to purchase the attention and love of his first born.

I’d never been in a position like that before. I mean I have always been good at offering to help when I’d see a situation get to be a bit more trouble than it should have been, or when there was some form of injustice that needed a little correcting, but to actually have someone, especially one of Pops personally selected prophets ask me for my assistance, well I just never expected it. So I did the only respectable thing I could think of, “Sure Ed, I’d be happy to…but you have to promise that He can never know about you asking me to help, ever.” I wasn’t so much worried about me getting in trouble as I was worried about him being destroyed and condemned for trying to help his family. The simple fact that Abe had humbled himself enough to ask me for help, well, I was impressed. He, who was Edmond, who became Abram, who was now Abraham, had grown up quite a bit, and I’ve always been one to help those in need.

Abraham laughed, “You don’t have to tell me that.”

And boom, just like that I was under consignment to help the prophet of the Lord get help from the Lord. The funny thing is that this was really not that hard of a thing to accomplish, it was just a matter of knowing your audience. All I had to do was set up the correct situation and let my old man respond the way He always does. If others like an idea and He thinks it’s His idea that they like, He’ll do it, it really is that simple. So first off, I needed to get a hold of an old friend. I needed to chat with Mike. Besides, he owed me a favor. I love Mike to pieces, and as much as I’d like to avoid this, I feel the truth is necessary to explain why Mike would help me out. The truth is that Mike had a thing for this Canaanite a prior. She was the cousin of a friend of mine. I knew her, and Mike wanted to know her, so I set up a little chance meeting. They were a cute couple, and to be honest, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. But eventually the whole archangel thing took its toll and they went their separate ways. In Mike’s favor, she really didn’t fully comprehend his work.

I went through my normal protocols to make sure that the necessary securities would be in place so that no one would be able to decode that I was trying to contact anyone in the kingdom of heaven. It usually took seven to ten business days to get a reply and a location that we could meet, but at least it was safe for all parties involved. It was on the ninth day that I got my reply and four days later Mike and I met up in a small pub in what would someday become Morocco. It was always important to meet in a portion of the world that was not part of Pops rule, you know, just in case.

“Mike! How the hell are you my friend?”

“Roy, it’s sure been a while. You look good.”

“Thanks, I feel good.”

“I’ll be honest, I was a little surprised to get your note, I haven’t noticed any major mishaps going on as of late.”

“This is probably going to sound a little strange, but it’s actually for Ed.”

“Who?”

“Abram…you know the new Abraham chap.”

“Oh yeah Abraham, the new proph… Really? How…what…you…” Mike stumbled.

“How’d I get involved?”

“Yeah.”

“He asked me.” I said.

“No!” questioned Mike.

“I shit you not.”

“But why?” Mike wanted to know.

“Parental issues.”

“And he wants help from Pops? That’s a little ironic. Did you tell him about you?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hush up.” I then went on to explain why the issue was so important to Abe.

Mike understood, “So, knowing you, you’ve been giving this some thought before even contacting me, what’s the plan?” he asked.

“Well, its got to have all the holy ritual hooks on it so the old man will go along with it. I may need you to do a little motivating this time.” I started.

“Hmmm… Roy, you know my view on that.”

I’ve never really understood why the religious, angels for example, always have these odd lines that they draw that really seem to be based on some obscure moral. Mike told me years ago that he would be no part of anything that included any form of deception. Then he gets involved with a Canaanite and conveniently happens to forget to mention what he does for a living until their third month together. He never really lied, but what he did say was open to any kind of interpretation anyone wanted to give to it. But when I suggest a plan that would cause the old man to do something righteous that would make His prophet, followers, and friends look up to Him more, Mike has to have morals about not being deceptive. It made no sense at all, and I told him so.

“Well, if you put it like that, I do suppose I may be able to repeat myself a few times to make sure He hears what I say. Of course it all depends on what you had in mind.” Mike said.

“Ok fine, here’s the plan. First off, we need to put a little humility, humanity, and fear of god into this little shit.” I started.

“Don’t call Him a little shit.” ordered Mike.

“Not Him Him, but him, Abe’s little kid him.” I clarified. Mike relaxed. I went on, “He’s horrible Mike, and not the good kind of horrible, but that creepy, obnoxious horrible, like those poems we use to have to read is Mrs. Oswald’s emotional awareness class.” Mike shivered.

While in school Mike and I sat next to each other in a class called Your Emotions, taught by one Mrs. Laura Oswald. In the class old Laura felt the best way for us to experience our own emotions would be from experiencing the poetry of one Herman Potz, a renowned poet in at least 37 different universes, and considered a standard for all educational facilities in 14 of them. He was renowned not because his writing was particularly good, but because he had figured out and patented a writing skill that invokes pure emotions in the reader and listener alike. His poem, “Making out with Sylvia Platt” (just a coincidence, I swear) was one that left every person who ever read it with a feeling of the most shameful regret that you had to go home early and shower for three days straight before the feeling when away. Mothers threaten to read it to their children when they refuse bathe. I hear it works every time.

I went on, “Pops needs to be reminded that trials of faith are good ways to improve His standing with all His followers. Then even though doing a trial of faith on Abraham might be a little pointless, due to the promises He already made to Abraham, it might still inspire the faithful to, out of fear, since Pops seems to love that tactic best, would strive to follow Pops rules. But it also needs an element of surprise that would help hooks Pops interest long enough to follow though the trial to the end. It needs a kind of just kidding surprise at the end, something that Pops would find funny, but no one else in the entire existence of humanity would.”

“So, what is it?” asked Mike.

“Have Pops command Abraham to kill Isaac in His name, you know, as a sacrifice.”

“Sacrifice his son?” Mike questioned.

“I know it’s something that He’s already thought of, but with this one, He will tell Abraham to sacrifice his son and to let his son know about it, you know to freak the little bastard out. Then build up the tension and send Abe out to kill his son, thus showing his unwavering faith to his god to the world. Then as Abraham is about to kill Isaac, have Pops stop him, telling Abe that he has shown his faith and that there is no need kill his son, adding that the fact that Abe would have done it was sacrifice enough. That way Pops gets His woops, “just kidding ending” and Abraham gets enough reality slapped into his son that the kid mellows out and actually becomes a real boy. What do you think?”

“Honestly?” asked Mike.

“Yes.” I said.

“It sounds like a Potz poem.” Mike said.

“Harsh.”

“Well it does.”

“Look, everyone is going to win with this plan, especially your boss.” I insisted.

“But knowing your history, why would you do anything to make your old man look good?” Mike asked.

“Mike, I honestly think my mother had an affair after giving birth to Carl and just never told the old man about it.” I smiled.

“That’s it I’m out of here.”

“Kidding! Mike, come on. Ha ha, you know, a bit of a giggle. I’ve heard its called comedy.”

Mike smiled, “Gotcha.”

“Bastard.”

“Apparently that’s you.” replied Mike.

“Oh, got me!” I laughed.

“Ok, so what do I need to do?” asked Mike.

I explained what was needed and how he should approach the old man. I knew I could count on Mike. He’s a bit of a perfectionist and when there is a plan involved he’ll follow it to the letter. He actually conceded that the plan just might help everyone out in the end, and it would have if the little monster hadn’t made things worse while I was away. That’s the problem with a really good plan. It only seems to go according to plan as long as everyone reacts and behaves according to plan. Throw a child into the mix and you can bet that the only way things can go according to plan is if the plan states that nothing will go according to plan.

So when Hagar made her request to me Pops was already back home. Getting a hold of Him was still a bit difficult because He was too busy cleaning every inch of the house and repainting all the walls to make amends for His failure to meet with Moms expectations. Note that painting the walls did not need to be done at all, but Mom made Him do it anyway mainly because she knew how much He hated painting. By the time He was done, He was so frazzled that He need a break from the house, so He went to check on the Earth, forgetting completely about Abram, Saria, His covenants to them, and His little plan that abandoned them in Egypt.

I was in the process of heading out to get a hold of some of my contacts to get them to see if they could round up Pops when Abram saw me, recognized me, and felt compelled to get all chatty, “Roy! Oh my goodness…what are you doing here?” Abram started off sincere, he seemed genuinely excited to see the old neighbor that helped him at the Pharaohs palace, but half way through the sentence his tone changed. It almost seemed that he recalled that he didn’t like me much and decided that being saved at the palace was all the Lords doing, which had nothing to do with me. He also got this worried look in his eyes as if he were afraid that I might tell the people bad stories about him once I got back home.

“Oh…um, hey Edmond, how are you?” I said.

“You kidder, you know my name is Abram.”

“I sure do.” I knew his real name too, and Abram hated that about me so did his best to stay clear of me. Once he turned to following god though, he felt a bit more compelled to smile and wave, but would always refrain from talking to me unless it was to preach to and inevitably damn me.

“What are you doing here?” asked Abram.

“Actually, I was just passing through to, um… on my way to …south I guess.”

“So you don’t still live by the farm anymore?”

“Well the house is still there but I’m not.” I said. Hearing that I was no longer living across the street from the family farm seemed to put him at ease some.

“And how was everyone when you left?”

“Sinning, as usual.” I smiled.

“Maybe I should head back up there then; I’m a prophet of the lord you know.” Abram retorted, smiling back.

“Oh yeah? Does it pay well?”

“I don’t do it for the money Roy, I do it because I was called of God.”

“So what does He call you?”

At this point in the conversation that the ground began to shake, and the skies became very dark and angry.

“ROY XAIVER! What are you doing here?” yelled Pops.

“Ahhhh shit…Really?! After years you decided to start a conversation with me by bellowing my middle name to all residence in a 30 mile radius. A stupid, stupid middle name might I add.” I yelled back. I didn’t mean to, but come on it had been decades since we last spoke and He starts a conversation with me by sneaking up on me and yelling. So yeah, I was a bit on the defensive when I started talking back to him.

“What are you doing here?” He demanded, but in a slightly lower tone.

“Well, you see…um…Hey Hagar, I found him.” I called out, but she didn’t hear me, the thundering was too loud. It didn’t really matter though she knew what was going on.She also knew about the temper of my old man, so she grabbed Carol and the child and the three of them headed away from the camp, you know, just in case.

“I’m still waiting.” insisted Pops.

Abram gave me an odd little look. He was still processing that the Lord had just shown up. Sadly, all he could come up with was, “Your middle name is Xavier?”

“Roy, what are you doing here? What have you done this time?”

“You shut up. At least my parents didn’t name me Edmond.” I said to Abram, which the old man did not get.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?” Pops yelled.

“I’m talking to Ed here. That was not directed at you.” I yelled back.

“Xavier, heh, that’s funny.” whispered Abram.

“Jack ass.” I whispered back.

“WHAT!”

“Jesus man, I’m talking to Ed, not you. You know ED! You’re beloved and screwed-over-by-his-own-god prophet Abram. Now ease up and wait your turn. God!” In looking back at that I can see how that may not have been the best approach at that time in handling the situation. But He did start yelling first and as previously stated I was still on the defensive. Oddly enough, it seemed to work.

Pops face flushed red with anger, the type of red that a cherry packet of Kool-Aid turns your tongue after you decide to pour a packet in your mouth instead of a pitcher of water. Fortunately for me His pride would not let me get the better of Him in front of His own prophet, who, according to His recollection was suppose to be dead. The “screwed-over-by-his-own-god prophet” bit that I yelled at Him is what helped Him figure out who I was talking to.

After the redness in His face subsided a bit, Pop managed in His best “I’m not going to yell, I’m not going to yell, I’m not going to yell” voice, “I sorry…Roy was it? Excuse my intrusion, but would you leave? I have some righteous business to discuss with my prophet here.”

With the skies now starting to clear Hagar was looking back at the camp making sure nothing had been destroyed. Seeing that only a heated conversation was underway, Hagar headed back to the camp with Carol and Abram’s child in her arms. It was time for her to finish her deal with Ra and collect her reward.

“Wait just a minute.” I said to Pops.

“Wait? I don’t wait. I’m God.”

“Look, this is my planet, you are the once visiting, and when you are on my planet you’ll abide by my rules.” Apparently I have inherited of my old man’s bloated ego genetic code.

“Roy, this is not your planet.” Pops attempted to correct me. “I made it. Technically it’s mine.”

“Oh no! When you tossed me and the others here, you made me lord and master of this land. At least I’m pretty sure you did…or did I just read that somewhere…I forget. It was something like that…” As I stopped and thought about where I had heard that little phrase before, Pops pulled Abram aside and started His little heart to heart conversation.

“Ok first off, don’t ever talk to that guy ever again. And don’t believe a word he says, ever. Never, ever. Secondly, what you are doing here?”

“I am fulfilling your word Lord. Jolly good to see you again.” assured Abram.

“Doing my work?”

“Well yeah, teaching the people about you and how you changed the heart of the Phil into rewarding us. And now we are touring the land trying to convert the people to you.”

“The heart of who?”

“Phil, you know the pharaoh of Egypt.”

“Oh yes, Phil.” Pops was trying to recall who this Phil person was, but something inside him was starting to get a bad feeling about this.

“I’ve also been helping you fulfill your commitment to me and my legacy.” added Abram.
“Good…That’s just what I was going…to…my what?”

Hagar arrived on the seen and was waiting for the right moment to present Abram’s case. “You’re promise to him and all his seed, that they shall be as numerous as the sands and cover the world, and they shall be blessed by you all their day, through all his generations.” announced Hagar.

“That’s the one.” Abram added.

“Ah…yes…that one. Wonderful. Um…who are you?” said Pops to Hagar.

Hagar ignored His question. “You can begin fulfilling your promise to Abram right now by blessing his first born. Here is Abrams son”

Both Abram and Pops were taken back by this, and as Hagar lifted up the child they did the only thing they could do, they relied on their male instincts and denied it. “No it’s not.” they both said in unison.

“Abram you know that little plague you’ve been suffering from? Mainly the part I educated you about to make it go away” said Hagar.

“Well…I wouldn’t…not really suffering…it’s a good cure…I mean…well…yeah.”

“Plague? What plague? My prophet has a plague?” asked Pops.

Hagar then proceeded to explain to both Abram and Pops exactly what the plague was, and how it really wasn’t a plague at all, but a very natural and healthy thing. Abram looked relieved but Pops was a little tense. Then Hagar explained to Abram that procreation can be a result of that act he had been doing and that the child she was holding was a result of that. This left a rather strained look on Abrams face. Seeing Abrams reaction and conveying that what was being said was true created an even greater strain on the old man’s face.

“Is this true?” asked Pops, already knowing it was.

Abram nodded his head. He then proceeded to give an account of the past 18 months and what he had been doing. He talked about all the people he converted. He talked about how his plague started as a result of seeing so many foreign women in so little clothes. He talked about how he had been taught to stop the plague from arising and how much he enjoyed getting rid of it, but that he didn’t think about doing with Saria in case she were to get the plague as well. He then confessed that he now realized why he and Saria had been childless for so many years do simply to the fact that they had not information as to what procreation actually was. He told the Lord that never imagined he would be responsible for birth of children that were not Saria’s. He then began apologizing for his lack of knowledge in the situation, but that all his requests to Pops went unanswered so he went to a source he thought he could trust to help him with his problems.

Pops was fighting the urge to start yelling. He was mad, but He wasn’t exactly sure who He was supposed to be mad at. Hagar began to speak and explain more if the situation, Pops just stood there glaring at everyone. As she continued, Pop listened to her voice and after a while found himself quite calm and content, and had no idea why. Hagar presented the old man a list of all the mothers-to-be in the land of Egypt that were entitled to the promise and blessing he made to Abram and his lineage.

Apparently every town that Abram stopped in, Hagar informed the available women of the town that any of them that conceived as a result of copulating with Abram would be blessed greatly by Ra and Abram’s god. Abram, having only recently learned about the act was very eager to try it on as many as were willing in hopes that it would permanently cure him.

She also informed Pops that these people even though they would be of the house of Abram would remain faithful follows to their god Ra. Explaining that any conversions in the land were false. The people only said they were converted to keep Abram in the land at the request of Hagar.

“Your penance for using your children for your own selfish endeavors will be your unwavering blessing on a lineage of people who will never believe in you, and this shall last as long as this earth is peopled. And dear sir, I do highly recommend that you never use your children in this way again. Do you understand me?”

Maybe it was Hagar’s presence and soothing voice or maybe Pops just knew He had been beat, and beat well. Regardless of the reason He calmly conceded, “Yes, I understand. I will keep my promise.”

“Then my job here is finished. My dear friends and I shall be leaving you now and returning home. Be well all of you.” said Hagar. Who then left, taking the child with her and started going around the camp and telling people that it was time for them to go. Hagar called to Saria to come out of her tent and talked with her for a little while. When she finished she gave Saria a hug. Saria began to cry and ran to Abram. As Hagar and the others began to head out, she walked back to Abram and Saria and told them, “You know that feeling the two of you have been experiencing every time you think of the other or touch the other?”

They both nodded.

“That is my gift to you. Use it and enjoy it, you have both earned it.” and with that she was gone from their lives forever (not mine mind you, just theirs). They did say this about Hagar as she was walking away, “She’s the…wow…amazing…thank you Hagar. Thank you.” They were right you know. They were right.

It was the perfect plan. Ra eternally bested Pops, because Pops would forever be blessing a people that would have nothing to do with Him. After this payback though, the gods mostly got over their insults phase. No one would ever be able to do one better than what Ra did to Pops. Additionally, the gods avoided talking about it because the plan was so perfect, but it was a human that thought of it and not a god, so their egos were hurt. Pops never talked about it for obvious reasons, and Ra kept pretty clear of it because even though he won it was very clear that it was only Hagar’s plan. As for Hagar’s reward, no one knows for sure, but there is not a god in all the universes that does not know who she is.

Oddly enough Pops had the urge to actually take His role as supervisor for His followers seriously and ensured that they would return to their own land safely. He also bestowed new names to Abram and Saria, righteous names, no, godly names. These new named would be a gift from Him to them as a sign of His promise to keep His promise to them. The new names He bestowed on them were, Abraham and Sarah. Yeah, Pops really does suck at giving people names. He just has no talent for it. I do feel in necessary to point out that for the record, the true reason Pops changed the names of those two was to help avoid any connection to the “sex starved foreigners that visited the pharaoh one summer and took Hagar on a summer holiday through out the land and got most of the single women pregnant.” story that was talked about for centuries throughout all of Egypt. Who knows, maybe in some rustic circles, it is still being talked about?

Due to Hagar being there I was able to walk out of that one pretty easy without any more additional confrontation with the old man. Although, after the event I did hear from a number of reliable sources that Pops did claim to His hosts in heaven that the befuddlement of that situation was entirely my fault. I have no idea how He tied it to me, but as far as most are concerned up there, that was mostly my fault.

I stayed clear of Abram and Saria, I mean Abraham and Sarah for a few years, but eventually curiosity got the best of me. I had to see how things were going for them and their first son Isaac. Let’s just say I was not expecting things unfold the way they did.

Initially Lot was a touch hurt that he was no longer wanted, but after it was explained to him the amount of trust god had placed on him by letting Lot go and teach the people on his own, he felt a lot better. Three days later, Lot took his portion of the wealth he got from the pharaoh and headed off to Sodom and Gomorrah.

With Lot now gone, Hagar continued her observation of Abram and Saria. One key thing she noticed that just didn’t seem to sit right was their lack of physical interaction. She started mixing a little fermented fruit in with the occasional fruit salad or mango salsa, and it did seem to help Saria open up when Hagar started asking questions. The fact that Saria and Abram had never consummated their marriage is the most baffling thing Hagar had ever heard. It was from that information that Hagar knew what she had to do, and it was not just for the deal she made with RA, or the proverbial slap in the face of some ego mad god that would solidify her name into the history of the world. It was for her irrevocable belief in humanities right to partake and enjoy the self producing divinity of the orgasm. She now had a plan, a righteous and magnificent plan. With all the knowledge Hagar had acquired in her life, one of them was the wisdom of fragrance and how certain smells affect the chemistry of the body and mind. She spent a few days preparing and by the end of the weekend she was ready to go.

Abram and Saria were enjoying their new found popularity, and thanks to the pharaoh’s messengers who had gone on ahead of them, they were being welcomed at every door step. It was easy for Abram and company to stay in one small village for a week or two at a time due to all the dinner parties in their honor. The true joy of the people came from Hagar visiting their village. The dinner parties were all in her honor, but masked as an invite to Abram and Saria. The gratitude towards Abram and Saria was very genuine because it was they who brought Hagar to their town. Likewise was the sadness at seeing Abram and Saria go, because they were taking Hagar with them.

Interestingly enough, during this time Abram and Saria never once stopped to ask of guidance from their god. Not that it would have done any good. See, after the little “joke” He played on Ra, pops headed out of town, er, galaxy for what He claimed was a little r and r, but mainly it was to hide out and to trying to let Ra calm down so he wouldn’t to anything rash. Besides when you pull an asshole move like Pops did, the other gods are going to think of you as a bit of a prick for a while. Fortunately for Pops, since most gods in general suffer from A.D.D. by the time Pops had forgotten why He was away, most the other gods had forgotten what a shit He was. Ra was very aware of this and knew that Hagar had at least four months before Pops came back and noticed the guy He set up for instant death was alive and in the heart of Egypt. This was a very generous estimate considering Pops is overwhelmingly proficient at fluttering from one thing to the next. When Pops is out and about it could be years before He comes back, because something happened to catch His interest. It’s usually a message from Mom instructing Him to get he arse home that reminds Him it’s time to get home.

After a month of observation and lovely dinner parties Hagar decided it was time to begin her plot. It started on the fifth Sunday after they had left the pharaoh’s palace. Using some of the special herbs she brought with her, Hagar had everyone asleep by 9 p.m. She then went and lay next to Abram, whispering things into his ear for about two hours. After this she went to Saria’s bed and whispered things into Saria’s ear for an hour. Starting the next day, Hagar and her assistances began wearing cloths that were designed to taunt a male’s libido. Now add to this was the occasional, and purely accidental flash of extra skin where clothes should have been. It didn’t take long for Abram to starting noticing things about the women surrounding him that he had, for some reason, never noticed before. Saria even began to wear clothing that was a touch more revealing as well, at Hagar’s gentle suggestions telling her that they were the newest and most sought after styles that year.

Abram began waking up very early and spending a lot of time in the river before he would get his days going. Some days he would take some extra time to get out of bed, even though he was wide awake. Other days he would wear an extra robe even though it was sunny and warm. Hagar spent more and more time in the company of Abram and Saria, getting them to confide in her and developing a trusting relationship with her, where they would tell her things they felt they could not tell others.

Abram confided to Hagar that he was having these physical ailments that would randomly plague him and the most inopportune times. He was not sure what was causing it or what to do about it, but it seemed to come and go on a whim. Also, the longer it lasted the more painful it became. Soaking in cool water seemed to help out at times, but when it happened it was publically apparent that he had some sort of physical deformity. He asked if there was something she knew had heard of this type of curse before and if there was a remedy he could take to make it go away. Hagar told him, “I do know of a cure, but it will take a few days to get things ready.”

It was the next day that the perfect opportunity presented itself to push Abram over the edge. Saria was taking her Thursday bath with the assistance of some of Hagar’s helpers. Hagar was with Abram discussing his problem when she was notified by Carol, Hagar’s assistant, that things were ready. Hagar took the very unaware Abram by the hand and led him over to the river. It was timed beautifully, just as they came over a small embankment Saria rouse out of the water. Abram was so stupefied by what he saw that all he could do is stand and stare and become “plagued”. Saria a little shocked to see her husband standing before her froze for a second then turned around and jumped back into the water. The splash brought Abram back to his surroundings, turned bright red and ran back to his tent.

I don’t know exactly what happened next. Some things are meant to stay behind closed doors. I did to get some information from Hagar, but she was never one to discuss such events. What I do know is that Hagar took Carol, one of her assistants, to Hagar’s tent and then went to Abram’s tent to invite him to visit with her in his tent. Abram agreed and all three met in Hagar’s tent for some formal introductions and education. Hagar did not emerge from the tent until the young prophet of god had learned a few things about this “plague,” such as what caused it and what made it go away, and this is where things began to change. It was about three hours later that Carol left the tent. About an hour later Abram appeared at the evening fire to get some food and to drink a lot of water.

As a result Abram developed an urge to dress less and strut more. Saria noticed that when her husband had a tan, or in other words spent time without a shirt on, she had a tendency to look at him more and more. During this time Abram continued taking liberties on Carol and anyone else willing to be liberated. Hagar intentionally forgot to explain to Abram the one of the key possible outcomes of “plague” purging was end result of making babies. When Hagar asked Abram about he and Saria having a family he explained how they had tried for years, but with no success. Unfortunately he did not conceive what conceiving was during the years where he though they had been attempting to conceive. When Hagar talked to Saria about her and Abram having a family, she confided that she was not 100% sure of the actual process and assumed that they were doing something incorrectly, but had been afraid to admit that she didn’t know for sure.

It was during the fourth month of Abram’s “awakening” or “plague purging”… you know, we’re all adults here, let’s just call it what it was…four months into Abram’s sexual awakening Carol began to appear a bit larger in the belly. Abram found himself being a bit put off because Carol was his main source of exploration and she was recently putting on some weight and no longer “in the mood.”

Hagar kept Carol well concealed and took care of her during the pregnancy. She also had a number of conversations with Saria about children and having a family. Saria did confess that she’d like to try being a mom. “Oh I’d like to try it. I’ve always wanted to be a mom.” she told Hagar.

“Would you be willing to try it out?” asked Hagar.

“I would, it’s just, as you know, we’ve never been blessed with any?”

“But you did recently fulfill God’s request for you. I’m sure that you will soon be rewarded.” said Hagar. She then left Saria and went to find Abram.

She found him sitting at the evening fire. She needed to get Abram starting to think about the how he was to be a father of many nations, which mean he’d have to start fathering soon.

“Abram, if you are to fulfill the Lord’s promise to you, you are going to need to become a father, many, many times.” explained Hagar. “This also means that Saria will need to become a mother.”

“But we can’t, our lips have touched many times while we have been in darkness and she and never once, over many years, conceived.” said Abram. And there it was the innocent naïveté of a, until very recently, virgin explaining the process of conceiving children as it was explained to him many years ago.

Hagar took a few moments doing her best to avoid from giggling at him. Once recomposed she told Abram that she was sure that Saria could have children, but it had not been the right time before. “God has kept you both barren until you were both ready.”

“Your think so?”

“I do.” assured Hagar. “You could have never fulfilled His plan in Egypt had you any children.”

This made a lot of sense to Abram. Hagar then told him that she was sure their period of being barren would soon come to an end. “But in the mean time,” she instructed, “go to Saria and talk gently to her. Tell her you love her and how much you want to have a family with her. If you both want to kiss, then practice kissing. That way you will be ready when it the time comes that your blessings will begin.”

Ten minutes later he was in his tent talking to Saria about love and family and fulfilling the Lords promise to them. In the middle of professing his love to her Abram became aware that the only thing he could think about was the image of Saria coming out of the water. Abram stopped mid sentence, and then told her he need to go for a swim. But added that he looked forward to the day when they would start a family.

As Abram swam in the chilled water the image of his wife remained in the front of his mind. It frozen there and as the day and weeks proceeded anytime he would caress her arm or hold her close and kiss her, well he stopped holding her so close due to rising emotions. He stayed with her as long as he could stand it and then would excuse himself for a little while and then return.

The new surge of attention Saria was receiving from Abram along with the repetition of the words “our family” caused Saria to begin pursuing Hagar’s offer to experience child bearing. Hagar talked to Carol about her plan, wanting to know if it would be ok if Saria were to lead, only for a little while, in raising her child when it was born. Hagar promised Carol that if she did this, her child would be watched over and blessed by two different gods, Ra would do it out of gratitude and Abram’s god would do it out of godly obligation. Hagar also guaranteed that she would have the baby back in two months tops and would be Saria’s personal child care assistant, so she would always be with her child and would be in charge of feeding the child. Carol agreed to the plan and about three weeks later, she gave birth to a boy. In the bible this child is referred to as Hagar’s. The reason is because she was the one who set up the whole situation. Hagar kept telling Abram and Hagar that the child want her to protect Carol from any jealous misdeeds if it came to light that Abram was the little bastards real father. Two weeks after the child was born, both he and Carol had moved into Saria’s personal quarters so Saria could begin playing mom. When Abram heard that Saria was caring for a child he went to investigate. The little tike had a bit of an infectious personality and Abram and Saria fell in love with the boy and the experience there were having from playing house, er, family. This only made Saria more desirous to have her own child to share with her husband. Saria approached Hagar and shared her desire for a child of her own.

As a result, Hagar agreed to share the secret of children conception. She told Saria that the conception process was hit and miss and that it would take trying over and over again to make it happen.

“Whatever it takes,” said Saria, “I’ll do it. I want a family.”

Hagar smiled, and then as delicately as she could began to explain the act required for getting pregnant. As Saria was told about the process, she started out a little confused, which soon turned into horror once she got a clear visual of what needed to take place. Once Saria calmed down a bit Hagar started to describe the pleasure that could come from such and act, not to mention that if one chose to they could use the act as a very powerful tool of negotiation and influence. This helped Saria move from thoughts of horror to an intense curiosity about it. Saria was confused how such an act could be a pleasant experience, but even more so how such an odd act would give her greater influence over Abram. Hagar told her that she would learn as she went and that if she truly wanted children, she now knew what needed to be done.

After only 3 days of Saria’s own imagination coupled with the nightly whisperings Hagar gave her while she slept, she had made a firm decision that this was something she needed to find out about for herself, and that she did. In fact when she and Abram finally took the plunge the caravan stopped moving from town to town for two weeks. All of the repetitious tries resulted in the conception that would be known as Harry, but for aesthetic reasons was recorded as Isaac in your bible. Once Saria discovered she was pregnant, Carol’s child was returned to her.

Shortly after this Hagar sent for me. I didn’t even pack my bags. I was on the road in less than ten minutes. When I showed up Hagar told me that things were going well, but for the next part of her plan she needed a little help. She needed me to get my old man back to the vicinity of Earth so that He could see what was going on. I told her I’d do what I could, but turns out I didn’t need to do a thing. Mom had beaten me to it.

“Phil*, in order to get even, make that past even, to the god of those two poor saps, I am going to need the help of a woman.”

*For some reason, Ra had called every Pharaoh he’s ever had Phil. When I eventually asked him about it, he said it was because he just really liked the way the name sounded. He included, “Besides, it’s always nice to call your number one follower a name that always makes you smile when you say it.”

“Ok.”

“And not just any woman, a very specific type of woman.”

“Ok.”

“I need a woman who is smart.”

“Ok.”

“Independent.”

“Ok.”

“Imaginative.”

“Ok.”

“Beautiful, clever, sneaky.”

“Ok.”

“Quick on her feet, gifted with words, able to get away with anything.”

“Ok.”

“A woman who is possessed with the skills of a coitus goddess and an appetite to use that skill.”

“Ahhh.”

“In all of my land, is there such a woman?”

“Oh yeah, she’s just down the street.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah…Mmmmmm…oh yes.”

“So just like that? You know a woman with all these skills?”

“And more…” answered Phil with an ever widening smile on his face.

“Is she a faithful follower? Will she do what she’s told so my revenge will come to pass?”

“Well, she’s not so much a faithful follower as she is…oh god she’s amazing! But I should have you know that everything is always on her terms. So, I imagine if you gave her the correct compensation, she’s do what she needed to make sure your revenge was enacted.”

“And who is this woman?” asked Ra.

“Hagar.”

“Hagar?”

“Yep, Hagar.”

“Just Hagar?”

“Just Hagar, that’s the way she wants it…mmmmm Hagar.” reminisced Phil. Just saying her name put the Phil into a state of euphoria. It took a little while to bring him back into a cohesive state. Ra and Phil talked a bit longer and eventually a messenger was sent to Hagar’s flat with a note reading, “Hagar, the Sun god of Egypt is in town and would very much like to meet you. If you could, would you please come to the palace at your soonest convenience, you know, if it’s not a problem. Love, Phil”

Phil explained that she had her own schedule, but she would stop by when she could. Demanding her come to the palace right away would only piss her off and would result in them waiting about two weeks for her soonest convenience to visit, with the possibility that she would not come at all. For some reason and because of Phil’s ongoing cooing and blushing at all his references about Hagar let Ra was starting to feel like a 6 year old on his first day of school, and quite frankly, he like it.

Word was given to the soldiers that no killing would be happening that day and to place the prisoners confined to a small room with some guards at door to eves drop and instill a level of constant anticipation and fear in Abram and Saria. Then, every fifteen minutes Phil would send a change of guards so they could get an update of what Abram and Saria were talking about. It was a nice way to pass the time while Ra and the Phil waited for Hagar. All the guards reported the same thing, Abram and Saria were bickering that there was no word from God and that they were going to die thanks to Him.

After two hours, seventeen minutes and 32 seconds, Hagar arrived. Her entrance into the palace was very subtle and carried with it an electric enthusiasm from everyone that saw her. I have met Hagar a number of times, well, I met her once, but I have seen her a fair number of times. Actually, it’s more like…err…I mean…you know what, never mind. The point being that having been in this woman’s company I can honestly say that her existence is a conundrum that the universe never expected, never wanted to let go, never wanted to repeat, never really minded that they could not figure out how she happened, and honestly didn’t mind in the least. The only one to ever show any amount of annoyance was Aphrodite, but after she had actually met Hagar, she never offered another negative word, grunt, sigh, or eye roll towards any reference about her, all Aphrodite would do was genuinely smile and say, “Lovely, just lovely.”

One of Hagar’s greatest powers was her…everything I guess. She was gifted with the power of subtlety. Everything about her was subtle. Even in her looks, she had a very subtle beauty about her. She wasn’t of the “difficult to speak, sweaty hands, is it obvious I’m drooling” line of beautiful, but all it took was one look at her and ten minutes after and for about a year you were smitten at the thought of her. You couldn’t help but think of her and you were always happy thinking about her. It wasn’t a sexual thing either, it’s just…it was a Hagar thing. If you got to know her, you could spend days watching her every move, you would go sleep deprived because you didn’t want to miss a single movement. And never, and I mean never, was a pass made for her or acts demanded of her, it was always on her terms and if a pass was to be made it was always Hagar who made it. It didn’t matter if she made a pass at you or not, or chose someone else, you just didn’t cared. You were happy to be near her, and to get a chance to see her and have her see you. It was the weirdest damn thing, but no one cared, and that, my friends, was Hagar. However, if you did happen to get her to make a pass at you, she was …well…hmm…you know, it appears I have gotten a little off track. Not with out good reason, but a little off the main story regardless. It’s just personally, I don’t think Hagar has ever been given her fair due and I felt that giving you a little enlightenment as to who she was and what she was, was note worthy. Not to mention very delightfully reminiscent and gratifying for me. Well that and I sort of promised her that I’d do something to help immortalize her if ever given the opportunity. She never asked me to do this, I just wanted to.

Hagar was so much more than anything Ra could have hoped for, and truth be known, more than he could handle, but Ra didn’t really care, getting even took precedence. He did, however, within the first half hour of meeting with her offer to elope with her, if she would have him. Ra seemed to have a tiny amount of trouble forming congealed thoughts into coherent sentences once Hagar has nestled in his brain. So with all the composure he could muster Ra concentrated on the floor and asked Hagar to help him get even. To paraphrase what Ra said, “Hagar, I have been greatly wronged by two puppets of an insincere god and I humbly request your help to prove to him that he cannot use others to achieve his deceitful deeds. I will grant you anything you ask if you undertake this task. It may take a while but the rewards shall be well worth it.”

What he actually said, “Hagar, you are …I…help…need your. I want to even. (Ahem) I help need your. Please. I will give you…ask your anything. Mean god …bad…lesson needs…help…you…please?”

Hagar simply smiled and said, “Ok hun, how about you tell me what happened and well see if there’s anything I can do to help out.”

It took a little while, but eventually Hagar was brought up to par with everything that Phil, Ra, Abram and Saria had gone through because of my old man. I was even able to enlighten her as to a few of the trials I had to endure due to the meanderings of my Pops. If there was one thing that always seemed annoy Hagar was the abuse of power, and she saw the entire situation as nothing but a repetitious act of that abuse. Hagar took Ra into a private room for a private consultation and so she could explain what her payment would be. Two hours later Ra returned with Hagar all that was said was Hagar had agreed to help and Ra had agreed with all her requests once the payback was completed.

The next thing that happened threw pretty much everyone who was involved in the situation for a loop, everyone except Ra and Hagar. Ra told Phil to go in and personally release Abram and Saria. Phil was told to keep his word and to let them have the food they needed for their people, and to apologize for any mistreatment they may have suffered, and then as an act of apology to give them a chest of gold and silver, and to present Hagar to Abram and Saria as a gift.

“Oh HELL No!” I protested.

Hagar smiled and said, “Roy, it’s ok, this is my idea. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”

Ra added, “I protested as well, but this is Hagar’s plan and she is in charge and has full control. It sounds a little odd but let’s please respect Hagar’s request. The sooner the revenge was bestowed, the sooner she will return to Egypt.”

“And to my reward.” added Hagar, smiling at Ra.

It was never talked about as to what Hagar’s reward would be. I did try talking to Ra about it once. All he told me is that he promised not to ever tell anyone. “Besides” he said, “she said that if I didn’t tell anyone then when she gets back, she would spend 2 full days with just me. Nothing could possibly get me to break that promise.” And that is all what was ever said on the subject. Mmm…Hagar, I told you that woman had power.

It was a few years after Hagar had completed her task that I got to spend a few hours talking with her, and she told me about her time with Abram and Saria and talked about some of her greater feats in regards to those two. She actually was able to do much more than was required of her, the little over achiever. I bring this up because a lot of what happened with Hagar and Abram and Saria I was personally not there for, but my record of these events does come from the key player in what transpired next.

When Abram and Saria were released and then presented with riches and then Hagar, they were in such a state of shock that Abram fainted twice. The reaction of the Egyptians did create the false reassurance in Abram that his God did provide a way, which he pointed out to Saria on more than one occasion for the rest of their lives. It was during this time that Lot showed up.

Lot was a sort of friend from the new settlement. He was a friend of one of Saria’s relatives and when the settlement sent Abram and Saria off to the pharaoh to get food, most never expected to see them again. Lot went along with it, ok actually he spend most of his time on the couch trying to get women to pose nude for him. He claimed to be an artist, but he really wasn’t. He just used it as an excuse to try to get women naked so he could look at them. It wasn’t until a week after Abram and Saria had left that he actually heard about what happened. Upon hearing about this he felt bad on two levels. First he felt bad because he really wanted to try to get Saria naked and thought he would never see her again thus eliminating his chances of this ever becoming a reality. Then after all his remorse, he actually took a little time to think about Abram and Saria both and about how they actually went to do something for the entire village, including him. The idea of them being in trouble, possibly even being killed to try to get him some food was something he just couldn’t understand. He felt really bad about the whole situation and it was then that he did something that would change the course of his life forever. He grabbed the few positions he had and set off after Abram and Saria to make sure they were ok. The drought was coming to an end as well, so he was hoping he could catch them before they got to the pharaoh and did something they might regret.

Yeah, so he was a little late getting there, but the fact that he actually showed up does say something about his character. When hearing Lot tell his story to Phil, Phil was moved by Lot’s change of heart and gave him some livestock, commended him on being such a good friend, and sent him away with Abram and Saria. Lot was amazed at the treatment Abram and Saria were receiving by the Egyptians and took that as his own proof that Abram was, in fact, a prophet of god. He even began to proclaim this to others, usually while in Abram’s company, which only inflated Abram’s prophet ego.

Prophet ego is the ego that fills a follower of any god who becomes the mouthpiece for that god. Eventually this ego fills the minds of these individuals with self importance and a feeling of being better than your fellow man. It is an inevitability that no human has ever been able to defeat. In short, every prophet who has ever lived or who will ever live will become a spiritual snob, and very possibly a bit of a jackass, although no one will ever admit thinking that about the mouthpiece of god, even through they actually do.

After Lot’s acceptance that Abram was a prophet, he thought about what Phil said about his character. Lot became enjoyed by the idea of being a good friend of God’s main man, and this is how Abram got his first true follower.

Hagar requested to Ra that Abram, Saria, and Lot be allowed to stay a few days so she could begin her work, and the first thing she needed was some time with Abram. Ra told Phil to make sure it happened. Phil told Abram and Saria that they had a special gift coming to town to send with them and that they needed two days for it to get there. He asked them to please stay and see the sights of the city before they left. Saria was being pampered from everyone she came in contact with, and ate up the attention. She was more than happy to stick around a few extra days. Phil asked if it would be alright if he escorted Saria around town to the shopping district while she was there. Abram thought it would be fine and Saria was more than happy to leave Abram behind while she went out conversing and shopping with some of their newly acquired wealth.

Even before Saria left, and even more so after she was gone, Abram started to catch himself staring at Hagar. When he stopped thinking about getting everything ready and the carts loaded up he would, without even thinking, find where Hagar was sitting and contently stare at her. He’d then get all flustered when she would catch him staring and would turn bright red. Hagar would stare back at Abram smiling until he looked up at her again and then look away as fast as he could. While Saria was out shopping, Hagar approached Abram and started to talk to him.

It was during this conversation that Abram discovered that at the beginning it was much more difficult to talk to Hagar than it was to talk to his god. However, as the conversation when on, Abram realized that talking to Hagar was as natural and freeing as swimming in one of the lakes near the farm back home.

“How is my lord this morning?”

“Oh, now I wouldn’t go so far as to call me your lord…I’m…um…just a man…”

“Who owns me,” smiled Hagar.

“Yeah, um yes, well, you are a very nice gift. I mean I’ve never gotten a gift like you before. I mean I got an ass for my birthday one year, and some oxen for a wedding gift, which were nice. I mean not that you’re a nice ass or nice oxen. Er, I mean, you’re much better than that. You talk too, which is good, nice…I mean of course you talk, you’re a person. I’ve never received a person as a gift before. It’s a little odd for me…So, how are you?

“Who?
“Yes, who. Well I said how, but who is good too. I mean I know you are Hagar, that’s what the pharaoh told me, but yes who, who is good. Who are you?”

“I’m very well, thank you.” Hagar was going to have fun with this one. Besides she’d never met a married virgin before. She’d never met a virgin that old either. She knew Ra’s revenge was going to be easy, she just didn’t think it was going to be that easy. “Abram, is it alright if I call you Abram?”

“If you like…I mean yes that would be nice. You have a nice sound to you. I mean you speak good, er…nice. Yes, you speak nicely…good.” This conversation was wearing out poor Abram, and it hadn’t even started yet.

“May I ask you a few questions Abram?” As she said this, she reached up and held Abrams left hand in both of hers. This had a very calming effect for Abram.

He nodded. This was because at that moment, he could not speak. He knew that if he were to try he’d only be able to squeak at her. Hagar was quite proficient in understanding squeak speech, since she experienced this phenomenon on a fairly regular basis, but she needed Abram to think he was the one in charge, so she made sure he was the one making the decisions.

“I have two handmaids in my possession, and since I am yours they are now yours as well. They are good helpers and will aid me to aid you better. Is it alright if we bring them with us?” Hagar knew that when you are outnumbered, sometimes it’s good to have some back up. Well that and she knew everyone would worry about her if she took off with Abram and company all by herself.

Abram nodded.

“I am looking forward to serve a man with such a powerful god.”

Abram smiled then nodded.

“I was wondering though, do we really need to head back to your homeland? It would seem that a prophet such as yourself and with such a powerful god would want others to know him. You could continue traveling south so that all may know the prophet of the great god.”

Abram was nodding along with everything Hagar was saying, letting her words become his thoughts.
“You did so well here. I would imagine that you would have just as good of success, if not better, in the south. It would be such a great gift to your god to teach those who do not know him about such a great god.”

Abram just kept smiling and nodding.

“I know we shall need to depart from this place soon Abram. As I prepare things for travel, where would you like us to go?” asked Hagar as she let go of Abram’s hands.

“Ahem…I have been thinking, and I think that the people do need to know about our god. I believe we shall head south, to make our way to a new home and to teach the world about my great god.”

“As you desire, I shall make the required preparations, excellent choice my lord.” said Hagar and then walked out of the room.

Abram felt good about his decision to travel south and teach about the lord. He then noticed that his hands were still out in front of him, in the position that Hagar was holding them, which struck him with a sense of loss. He realized that he missed her holding his hands.

Lot then entered the room, and Abram trying to dismiss his current feeling of loss, told Lot all about heading south and teaching the people. Lot thought it was a brilliant idea. Abram was a little concerned, not sure how Saria might take it, but when she showed up with Hagar beside her, she said, “Brilliant plan honey, just brilliant. When do we leave?” and gave him a kiss on the cheek. All things were in order. The payback had begun.

There was much remorse in Egypt on the day Abram left. All the people were going to miss their Hagar. Abram’s developing ego is caused him to think that all the people crying and waving good bye because he and Gods power were leaving their presence. After they had left the city limits Phil addressed the people and decreed that day a national day of mourning. The people were still sad, but all agreed that it was appropriate. He then told them, “Every year on this day, starting today, the people are not allowed to work. Instead we must eat, drink, and remember our Hagar.”
The people started to nod in agreement.

“And,” Phil added, “in celebration of the first Hagar Day, the drink are on the house!”

The people began to cheer. It wasn’t going to be that bad of a day after all.

Ra and I drank for three days strait to try to convince ourselves that letting her go with Abram was worth the getting even the old man. After the third day of wine, we were pretty sure it would be worth it.